It is not always like this, but more than what seems usual lately we'll talk on the phone and there won't be a lot of talking. So I'll try to fill him in on what's been going on with me that day, and admittedly my life's not a fascinating series of constantly interesting adventures, but there's little if any comment. So it becomes me talking, and then moving to a stop and getting my feelings hurt when I ask if I'm boring him and he says "Yeah, a little."
I can't be mad at him for answering a question I posed; that's the risk you run when you ask questions. It does hurt that I'm boring, and that it feels like I have to sustain or drag conversations out for the both of us. This sort of thing killed us the first time, way back when. I love my boyfriend more and better than I've ever loved anyone, and I'm not sure if this recurring loneliness is primarily a long distance thing or if it's an indicator that something's seriously wrong, or that I want something exciting to happen and if something good can't happen then darn it I'm going to be sad instead.
If it's just the distance (and things are so good when we visit, it makes me really hopeful for our lives together in the future), then I guess I'm just gonna have to hold out another half a year and we'll be done with that part. If it's a sign that something's wrong then I want to work through it; if we both want to be together this is not something I can quit, and I don't want to imagine us not being together or wanting to be. He doesn't make me feel like teenage dream, but he does make me feel like a teenager, a bit: that things between us are so important and that life beyond them is pretty pale. I choose to feel that way, anyway. And on that note I have to acknowledge that I still yearn for something dramatic and moving, though I'm trying very, very hard to put that sort of thing permanently away.
This part of growing up, and realizing that sometimes the perfect person is not the dream person, and that certain expectations will have to be done away with, has made me feel awfully childish at times. When he told me he doesn't like the idea of buying jewelry I almost cried-- half out of sadness and half out of shame. It's an expectation of mine that if a man can a man does give jewelry to the woman he loves. And that he drives when they're together. Josh is highly unlikely to do either of those things and I love him anyway, but I think I'd prefer if it were a more certain never or sometime in both cases.
It's always uncertainty that gets to me. When we got back together I remember writing "I am as sure as a person can be, and I trust him as much as I can trust, when he says that he loves me he means it, and that he loves someone real." I don't ever doubt that Josh loves me when we're in the same place, even when my feelings get hurt, but when we're apart I sometimes do. And that's a shameful feeling, too, because I couldn't identify anything for you that feels momentous enough to have shaken that trust.
"I love you" is such an important thing to say, but is that all you have to say?
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
A plea to things holy to me and to others
Jesus god santa claus buddha and black olives, please do not ever ever ever let me be an old man.
AUGH.
AUGH.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
I am...
Running around like a crazy person to get the room cleaned up so it's pleasant while Josh and I are here. I did successfully pack! Still have to get soap and shampoo in their travel containers and get jewelry together, but that's nothing compared to clothes.
Okay, so I was running around like a crazy person. Right now I'm squatting (such an inelegant word, such an inelegant pose, such a convenient way to keep myself from blogging for too long) in front of the comfy chair where the laptop is comfortably sitting.
Going to get Josh in less than an hour. :}
Okay, so I was running around like a crazy person. Right now I'm squatting (such an inelegant word, such an inelegant pose, such a convenient way to keep myself from blogging for too long) in front of the comfy chair where the laptop is comfortably sitting.
Going to get Josh in less than an hour. :}
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Alexandra and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day
Today sucked. It didn't suck all the time, and a few nice things happened, but overall, with and without reflection, today sucked. I feel like I need to purge this day, and since I don't really feel like vomiting and society tends to frown on that, I'm just going to let it go here and hopefully feel better at the end.
I stayed up late last night to study for today's exam, which is never the best start, I admit. I was tired and cranky for it when I woke up. Had to get up a little bit earlier than normal today anyway since my registration period for spring classes opened today. Higher GPA students get to register several months before the semester, and I'm not sure how they work out everyone in the 3.0-3.49 range. Anyway. Woke up to a big thing of cat hair next to my face; lovely. The French class I really wanted to register for (worked with the other classes, wouldn't have involved time off work) was full last night when I checked. So I stayed up a little later to email the professor and ask if there was any way I could be added as an extra student or put on a waitlist.
I got registered for my major-specific courses just fine, and that was one of the good things that happened today. Got dressed and headed to school for classes and the exam. Got there early. Another good thing. First two classes went well enough. I was checking my phone like a maniac before and between classes to see if the Mme teaching the French class had written back yet. No luck. Took the exam, was not prepared. Not a good feeling. Checked email again on the way to the car and the Mme had responded: nothing she can do. She was nice about it, but I wish there was! Got home and showered for work, made quinoa to take with me to work to scarf for a quick late lunch.
Got to work early. When a coworker asked what I was eating, I told her about the quinoa. The girls I work with were curious, so I showed them. Your-Mashed-Potatoes-are-Poisonous coworker said "There's a hair in there." And so there was, mine. This is not her fault, but I'd feel less inclined to throttle her if she would shut her fucking mouth about stuff like that. I was also less than pleased with her touching my food to pull it out. I have resolved to not discuss what I am eating and certainly never to show what I am eating to this coworker ever again. Only leads to strokelets.
When I sneezed a few minutes later she did not say bless you, which is something we do in our office. When our lead said "bless you," Difficulty Down the Desk said skeptically "Was that a sneeze?" I was irritated enough from earlier that I responded "M--- [the lead] said bless you, so that was probably a sneeze." Afternoon at work actually got better from that point on. Sent text messages to an old friend, and that was nice. Registered for the second best French option so I can submit my intent to graduate.
Went to Wal*Mart (I know) after work to get my prescription and guacamole ingredients so I can make some for Josh. I like to use a basket instead of a cart because I'm not buying that much stuff and it's easier to move around with a basket, but as usual there were none to be found and the greeter said "Oh... There might be some over there" when I asked if they were at the other doors. I love shopping at Wal*Mart.
I got a text message from the guacamole eating love of my life as I was on my way to the register, so I steered the dumb cart over to the end of an aisle where it wasn't in anyone's apparent way and took my phone out of my pocket to read and respond it. As I did I was approached by a man who explained that he needed food for him and his daughter, there was something wrong with his car and it would take days to get, he didn't want money could I please just buy him some food?
I felt kind of put on the spot and immediately I knew he shouldn't be asking inside the store, but I don't really have any objection to getting people food and if he really needed it, why would he care where he was asking?
I'm a little, just a little, proud of myself for setting boundaries (I can't even believe I'm using that term): I told him I was on a budget myself, but that I could get him sandwich meat and some bread, or hot dogs and hot dog buns, whichever he'd prefer. He enthusiastically said yes, yes, some hot dogs, and I turned the cart that way. When he got the hot dogs he asked if he could get bologna as well and I reiterated that I could only get sandwich meat and bread or hot dogs and hot dog buns. He said okay, okay, hot dogs was a better idea. We got buns. We went to the registers. I introduced myself on the way over. The guy's name was Danny. Got in an express line and was told by the people in front of me "She's CLOSED!"
Got in the next express line. Woman and her sister each checked out twenty items. While they were doing so Danny said "You know, bread would probably be better" and said he'd go get some. I asked if he wanted to get hot dogs and bread and he said sure, sure. He took the buns back and got a loaf of bread. I thought about running away, or asking the cashier for help. Stayed, didn't say anything.
I asked the cashier if she could put the bread and hot dogs in a separate bag. Danny took the bag and then stayed by my cart while I loaded the three bags of my stuff. Got a little weirded out. When I moved the cart to leave after I paid he said something (I think "thank you") and walked out. I was nervous enough to be sweating and I so uncomfortable I didn't want to go outside right away. I told the greeter ("...There might be some over there") that there was a man who asked me to buy him food inside the store and that he hadn't been threatening but that he'd made me feel uncomfortable, I wasn't sure if the store had a policy against it but this is what he was wearing, etc. She asked where he was and I explained (again) that he'd just walked out. She said "Yes, we do have a policy... And there are food stamps and programs for people. Just remember that next time."
Very helpful. Her tone implied that I'd done something wrong.
Walked out to my car and got hit up by school football player for donations on the way. Nearly burst into tears. Put the groceries into my trunk where I knew I could be seen because I still didn't feel quite safe. Took the cart to one of the cart corrals and got hit up by his kid brother, who was with him when he asked a few minutes ago. Told him no but good luck and managed to not run back to the car.
Where I cried. I felt intimidated after agreeing to help, I felt like being suspicious of someone was wrong, I felt like being naive was wrong if that's what I was doing, I was mad at that stupid greeter, and I never wanted to go back to that goddamn Wal*Mart ever again.
I finally got to text message Josh. Told him what happened and he didn't say anything, so I cried some more since that seemed like the appropriate thing to do. I got home in one piece, collapsed on the bed, resisted the cats for a few minutes and then gave in. After a bit of being purred on I figured life was worth living and that I just needed to write all this down and let it go.
Going to carve a pumpkin tonight. Fuck you and your mother too, Wednesday. Now that I've said that I'm not mad any more.
9PM Update: Just got in to the French class thanks to a friend who let me know a spot was open!
I stayed up late last night to study for today's exam, which is never the best start, I admit. I was tired and cranky for it when I woke up. Had to get up a little bit earlier than normal today anyway since my registration period for spring classes opened today. Higher GPA students get to register several months before the semester, and I'm not sure how they work out everyone in the 3.0-3.49 range. Anyway. Woke up to a big thing of cat hair next to my face; lovely. The French class I really wanted to register for (worked with the other classes, wouldn't have involved time off work) was full last night when I checked. So I stayed up a little later to email the professor and ask if there was any way I could be added as an extra student or put on a waitlist.
I got registered for my major-specific courses just fine, and that was one of the good things that happened today. Got dressed and headed to school for classes and the exam. Got there early. Another good thing. First two classes went well enough. I was checking my phone like a maniac before and between classes to see if the Mme teaching the French class had written back yet. No luck. Took the exam, was not prepared. Not a good feeling. Checked email again on the way to the car and the Mme had responded: nothing she can do. She was nice about it, but I wish there was! Got home and showered for work, made quinoa to take with me to work to scarf for a quick late lunch.
Got to work early. When a coworker asked what I was eating, I told her about the quinoa. The girls I work with were curious, so I showed them. Your-Mashed-Potatoes-are-Poisonous coworker said "There's a hair in there." And so there was, mine. This is not her fault, but I'd feel less inclined to throttle her if she would shut her fucking mouth about stuff like that. I was also less than pleased with her touching my food to pull it out. I have resolved to not discuss what I am eating and certainly never to show what I am eating to this coworker ever again. Only leads to strokelets.
When I sneezed a few minutes later she did not say bless you, which is something we do in our office. When our lead said "bless you," Difficulty Down the Desk said skeptically "Was that a sneeze?" I was irritated enough from earlier that I responded "M--- [the lead] said bless you, so that was probably a sneeze." Afternoon at work actually got better from that point on. Sent text messages to an old friend, and that was nice. Registered for the second best French option so I can submit my intent to graduate.
Went to Wal*Mart (I know) after work to get my prescription and guacamole ingredients so I can make some for Josh. I like to use a basket instead of a cart because I'm not buying that much stuff and it's easier to move around with a basket, but as usual there were none to be found and the greeter said "Oh... There might be some over there" when I asked if they were at the other doors. I love shopping at Wal*Mart.
I got a text message from the guacamole eating love of my life as I was on my way to the register, so I steered the dumb cart over to the end of an aisle where it wasn't in anyone's apparent way and took my phone out of my pocket to read and respond it. As I did I was approached by a man who explained that he needed food for him and his daughter, there was something wrong with his car and it would take days to get, he didn't want money could I please just buy him some food?
I felt kind of put on the spot and immediately I knew he shouldn't be asking inside the store, but I don't really have any objection to getting people food and if he really needed it, why would he care where he was asking?
I'm a little, just a little, proud of myself for setting boundaries (I can't even believe I'm using that term): I told him I was on a budget myself, but that I could get him sandwich meat and some bread, or hot dogs and hot dog buns, whichever he'd prefer. He enthusiastically said yes, yes, some hot dogs, and I turned the cart that way. When he got the hot dogs he asked if he could get bologna as well and I reiterated that I could only get sandwich meat and bread or hot dogs and hot dog buns. He said okay, okay, hot dogs was a better idea. We got buns. We went to the registers. I introduced myself on the way over. The guy's name was Danny. Got in an express line and was told by the people in front of me "She's CLOSED!"
Got in the next express line. Woman and her sister each checked out twenty items. While they were doing so Danny said "You know, bread would probably be better" and said he'd go get some. I asked if he wanted to get hot dogs and bread and he said sure, sure. He took the buns back and got a loaf of bread. I thought about running away, or asking the cashier for help. Stayed, didn't say anything.
I asked the cashier if she could put the bread and hot dogs in a separate bag. Danny took the bag and then stayed by my cart while I loaded the three bags of my stuff. Got a little weirded out. When I moved the cart to leave after I paid he said something (I think "thank you") and walked out. I was nervous enough to be sweating and I so uncomfortable I didn't want to go outside right away. I told the greeter ("...There might be some over there") that there was a man who asked me to buy him food inside the store and that he hadn't been threatening but that he'd made me feel uncomfortable, I wasn't sure if the store had a policy against it but this is what he was wearing, etc. She asked where he was and I explained (again) that he'd just walked out. She said "Yes, we do have a policy... And there are food stamps and programs for people. Just remember that next time."
Very helpful. Her tone implied that I'd done something wrong.
Walked out to my car and got hit up by school football player for donations on the way. Nearly burst into tears. Put the groceries into my trunk where I knew I could be seen because I still didn't feel quite safe. Took the cart to one of the cart corrals and got hit up by his kid brother, who was with him when he asked a few minutes ago. Told him no but good luck and managed to not run back to the car.
Where I cried. I felt intimidated after agreeing to help, I felt like being suspicious of someone was wrong, I felt like being naive was wrong if that's what I was doing, I was mad at that stupid greeter, and I never wanted to go back to that goddamn Wal*Mart ever again.
I finally got to text message Josh. Told him what happened and he didn't say anything, so I cried some more since that seemed like the appropriate thing to do. I got home in one piece, collapsed on the bed, resisted the cats for a few minutes and then gave in. After a bit of being purred on I figured life was worth living and that I just needed to write all this down and let it go.
Going to carve a pumpkin tonight. Fuck you and your mother too, Wednesday. Now that I've said that I'm not mad any more.
9PM Update: Just got in to the French class thanks to a friend who let me know a spot was open!
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
More food adventures
Dad (because he is a great dad) got me some quinoa at Costco when we were there Sunday. Also slightly smaller than applesauce cup-sized packages of hummus, and these yummy veggie chip snacks. So the Costco trip was a neat one, foodfindwise.
I've heard about quinoa, and I know it's supposed to be a superfood. I didn't know if it had a flavor and until I read the package when I got ready to make dinner tonight I sure as hell didn't know you're supposed to cook it until the "quinoa is tender but still chewy and white spiral-like threads appear around each grain."
Um. What?
It does have a flavor, but categorizing that flavor reminds me of trying to do the same for simple rice: you can tell what it is, but not identify anything that it reminds you of. It's very mild and just slightly sweet so I can see why people would like it as a hot breakfast. I might consider that for the future, actually. It would be good with a little bit of honey, I think. Or maybe some fruit.
Since this portion was for dinner, I put some powdered cumin in the pot and stirred it into the cooked quinoa. As I learned Saturday, cumin makes most things much better.
The spiral-like threads are not very spirally, but they do look... Not like the quinoa itself. They do, however, look more like miniature spaghettios than they do like worms, which is exactly what I expected them to look like. So once again, all is well.
I've heard about quinoa, and I know it's supposed to be a superfood. I didn't know if it had a flavor and until I read the package when I got ready to make dinner tonight I sure as hell didn't know you're supposed to cook it until the "quinoa is tender but still chewy and white spiral-like threads appear around each grain."
Um. What?
It does have a flavor, but categorizing that flavor reminds me of trying to do the same for simple rice: you can tell what it is, but not identify anything that it reminds you of. It's very mild and just slightly sweet so I can see why people would like it as a hot breakfast. I might consider that for the future, actually. It would be good with a little bit of honey, I think. Or maybe some fruit.
Since this portion was for dinner, I put some powdered cumin in the pot and stirred it into the cooked quinoa. As I learned Saturday, cumin makes most things much better.
The spiral-like threads are not very spirally, but they do look... Not like the quinoa itself. They do, however, look more like miniature spaghettios than they do like worms, which is exactly what I expected them to look like. So once again, all is well.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
"I've got to admit-- it's getting better."
This trip has been wonderful. :} We're laughing and smiling and snuggling a lot. I think the problems are mostly distance based, and we're going to talk about that (tone on the phone, for example), but I think I'd allowed myself to be truly worried and knowing that there's no need for that is just... Whew! Wonderful relief.
We had a date night last night. We stay in more than we eat out when I'm here because I like cooking for us, but usually when we go out it's with friends. Last night was just the two of us, and we wandered down to Greenway Station and had dinner and got ice cream after. It was sweet and good, and we held hands and it was generally just a really nice time out.
This is our last day together without Josh having to go to work, so we're going to wander up to another shopping center and get some cruise stuff. It's just a few days away, now! Halloween weekend. So excited about doing this with my favorite person.
Who happens to be advancing the Indian Empire in Civ V, I believe. Time to go distract him.
We had a date night last night. We stay in more than we eat out when I'm here because I like cooking for us, but usually when we go out it's with friends. Last night was just the two of us, and we wandered down to Greenway Station and had dinner and got ice cream after. It was sweet and good, and we held hands and it was generally just a really nice time out.
This is our last day together without Josh having to go to work, so we're going to wander up to another shopping center and get some cruise stuff. It's just a few days away, now! Halloween weekend. So excited about doing this with my favorite person.
Who happens to be advancing the Indian Empire in Civ V, I believe. Time to go distract him.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Month Without Meat: What Have We Learned, Class?
I realize I wasn't dynamite about blogging this process. I decided not to do the "what I ate everyday" posts since that seemed a tad too self-focused.
My mistakes:
I ate meat once. My aunt/second cousin/favorite relative (that I live with) and her wife invited me to have dinner with them and a friend at The Ravenous Pig, a schmancy restaurant in Winter Park. I've never been and figured it was mostly a meaty place-- I was correct, and couldn't and didn't think of a way to ask the waiter if there were meatless options or if something could be modified. I had a lamb burger and good jeezy creezy it's one of the most delicious things I've ever eaten. I also had a glass of really good wine with dinner. Alcohol helped the guilt. Resolved when I got home to do better. There was a fair bit of resolving to do better over the course of the month.
I got the gummy vitamins and loved them. Didn't look at the label until the second day. THIS IS A CRUCIAL STEP. Gummy vitamins have gelatin in them. I didn't have the cash to get other vitamins and decided to take them and find a suitable replacement (maybe a powder I could mix into juice in the morning?) to use when I'd exhausted the month's supply I'd purchased. Ended up finding a company in California, Gummi King, that makes vegan gummy vitamins using carageenan, a substance discussed in a previous entry. Just got them today and they're not as yummy as the others but they are worlds better than the pill vitamins I can't make myself take. So this problem was solved! Really happy about this. Also they were on a BOGO free sale and shopping was free. Best find of the project.
Trying to sauté tofu. The best way to prepare tofu, and I speak from three separate attempts to do so and am thus an expert, is to dry fry it and then soak it in marinade. There is no way to mess this up. Or if there is I have not yet encountered it, so life seems good so far. Also I really am an expert at the dry frying method now, and I'm getting pretty good at producing marinades with my limited kitchen stock!
I made mashed potatoes out of yukon gold potatoes and left the skins on because I like seeing skin in my mashed potatoes. A coworker (who ate them) gave me the piece of unsolicited advice that the skins were poisonous. And she didn't say thank you. I was so cranky about that I looked it up AND asked my mom. Turns out what my coworker said is technically true but I have nothing to worry about: the potatoes were not green under their skins (I cubed them before cooking) and even if they had been, the amount I or anyone including thankless coworker would consume is probably waaaaaay too low to have a toxic effect. Still, the things you know. I think I handled her telling me gracefully. I hope so. I wanted to cry at the time and I was really mad she didn't say thank you. But this was meatless month, not interpersonal skills interval.
Things I was surprised to learn:
Gummy vitamins have gelatin in them.
Many cheeses, not just a few fancy ones, require animal-based rennet (you don't want to know) to be produced. There are nearly if not just as many non-animal-based rennet produced cheeses, so that's good. I did not know any of this when I started meatless month and so I allowed myself to have cheese as things called for it or as it was presented, but I think I'm going to try to be more mindful of this in the future.
Soy milk is terrible (at least by itself; it's fine to use in tea). Tofutti's sour cream is awful. Almond milk is AWESOME. Truly, almond milk + honey nut cheerios is good enough to be dessert.
The internet is as usual a great resource. I found lots of recipes to try, helpful information whenever I searched hard enough, and several blogs about "living vegetarian."
Another, generally more polite coworker, who is a vegetarian herself and very supportive of this endeavor, mentioned several "fake meats," and said she didn't have a problem eating something made to represent a chicken tender, for example. I knew these products existed but worried the cool kid vegetarians would snub me for trying them. I haven't yet, but her point was that it's fine to substitute something for something you've had an enjoyed. Like a Boca burger, or some of those not-really-chicken chicken tenders.
I'm proud of:
Getting through the month without quitting. I realize that the lamb burger was a huge cheat not very far into the process, but there's been no meat since then. I've never tried to go without something like this, and I'm pretty proud of getting through it.
Also after the lamb burger, I've asked servers at restaurants for options if I needed them. Never had a problem. This was very encouraging. At Carrabba's, for example, the waitress mentioned that if I was trying to eat like a vegetarian that the soup I was going to order had beef stock in it. Crisis averted.
Overcoming the vitamin dilemma.
My friends (in very nearly every circumstance), my sweet sweet boyfriend, his family, and my family, for giving me no crap about this and sometimes making suggestions and in a few cases making special meals to accommodate what I was trying to do. I don't think any of them read this, but thanks!
Resolutions (as I said, a lot of these throughout the month!):
Ovo-lacto vegetarianism it is! I'm going to stick to this. No more meat. It will probably be challenging, but I'm committed to making this transition.
I will not be too shy to ask for an alternative or more information at restaurants. The good experiences with this have really helped this particular pledge.
Investigate more recipes, and plan a few meals for Josh and I that involve some of those meat substitutes instead of just tofu and other no meat, no fake meat dishes. He really has been great about this process and will probably end up an at-home lacto-ovo vegetarian, since I'll be making dinners for us. He's a keeper.
My mistakes:
I ate meat once. My aunt/second cousin/favorite relative (that I live with) and her wife invited me to have dinner with them and a friend at The Ravenous Pig, a schmancy restaurant in Winter Park. I've never been and figured it was mostly a meaty place-- I was correct, and couldn't and didn't think of a way to ask the waiter if there were meatless options or if something could be modified. I had a lamb burger and good jeezy creezy it's one of the most delicious things I've ever eaten. I also had a glass of really good wine with dinner. Alcohol helped the guilt. Resolved when I got home to do better. There was a fair bit of resolving to do better over the course of the month.
I got the gummy vitamins and loved them. Didn't look at the label until the second day. THIS IS A CRUCIAL STEP. Gummy vitamins have gelatin in them. I didn't have the cash to get other vitamins and decided to take them and find a suitable replacement (maybe a powder I could mix into juice in the morning?) to use when I'd exhausted the month's supply I'd purchased. Ended up finding a company in California, Gummi King, that makes vegan gummy vitamins using carageenan, a substance discussed in a previous entry. Just got them today and they're not as yummy as the others but they are worlds better than the pill vitamins I can't make myself take. So this problem was solved! Really happy about this. Also they were on a BOGO free sale and shopping was free. Best find of the project.
Trying to sauté tofu. The best way to prepare tofu, and I speak from three separate attempts to do so and am thus an expert, is to dry fry it and then soak it in marinade. There is no way to mess this up. Or if there is I have not yet encountered it, so life seems good so far. Also I really am an expert at the dry frying method now, and I'm getting pretty good at producing marinades with my limited kitchen stock!
I made mashed potatoes out of yukon gold potatoes and left the skins on because I like seeing skin in my mashed potatoes. A coworker (who ate them) gave me the piece of unsolicited advice that the skins were poisonous. And she didn't say thank you. I was so cranky about that I looked it up AND asked my mom. Turns out what my coworker said is technically true but I have nothing to worry about: the potatoes were not green under their skins (I cubed them before cooking) and even if they had been, the amount I or anyone including thankless coworker would consume is probably waaaaaay too low to have a toxic effect. Still, the things you know. I think I handled her telling me gracefully. I hope so. I wanted to cry at the time and I was really mad she didn't say thank you. But this was meatless month, not interpersonal skills interval.
Things I was surprised to learn:
Gummy vitamins have gelatin in them.
Many cheeses, not just a few fancy ones, require animal-based rennet (you don't want to know) to be produced. There are nearly if not just as many non-animal-based rennet produced cheeses, so that's good. I did not know any of this when I started meatless month and so I allowed myself to have cheese as things called for it or as it was presented, but I think I'm going to try to be more mindful of this in the future.
Soy milk is terrible (at least by itself; it's fine to use in tea). Tofutti's sour cream is awful. Almond milk is AWESOME. Truly, almond milk + honey nut cheerios is good enough to be dessert.
The internet is as usual a great resource. I found lots of recipes to try, helpful information whenever I searched hard enough, and several blogs about "living vegetarian."
Another, generally more polite coworker, who is a vegetarian herself and very supportive of this endeavor, mentioned several "fake meats," and said she didn't have a problem eating something made to represent a chicken tender, for example. I knew these products existed but worried the cool kid vegetarians would snub me for trying them. I haven't yet, but her point was that it's fine to substitute something for something you've had an enjoyed. Like a Boca burger, or some of those not-really-chicken chicken tenders.
I'm proud of:
Getting through the month without quitting. I realize that the lamb burger was a huge cheat not very far into the process, but there's been no meat since then. I've never tried to go without something like this, and I'm pretty proud of getting through it.
Also after the lamb burger, I've asked servers at restaurants for options if I needed them. Never had a problem. This was very encouraging. At Carrabba's, for example, the waitress mentioned that if I was trying to eat like a vegetarian that the soup I was going to order had beef stock in it. Crisis averted.
Overcoming the vitamin dilemma.
My friends (in very nearly every circumstance), my sweet sweet boyfriend, his family, and my family, for giving me no crap about this and sometimes making suggestions and in a few cases making special meals to accommodate what I was trying to do. I don't think any of them read this, but thanks!
Resolutions (as I said, a lot of these throughout the month!):
Ovo-lacto vegetarianism it is! I'm going to stick to this. No more meat. It will probably be challenging, but I'm committed to making this transition.
I will not be too shy to ask for an alternative or more information at restaurants. The good experiences with this have really helped this particular pledge.
Investigate more recipes, and plan a few meals for Josh and I that involve some of those meat substitutes instead of just tofu and other no meat, no fake meat dishes. He really has been great about this process and will probably end up an at-home lacto-ovo vegetarian, since I'll be making dinners for us. He's a keeper.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Quick no-longer-Weekend Update
Still doing the meatless month. Have had some notable eff ups, but they're few in number and I've resolved to do better. Heads up: gummy vitamins have gelatin in them. I found a company in California that makes vegan ones out of carageenan (plant stuff wobbly matter as opposed to animal by product wobbly matter) instead, and those are on their way to Wisconsin, where I very much hope I will meet (hurr hurr) them Wednesday.
I need to get to sleep very soon. Monday's going to require an early start. Nurse consultation at Planned Parenthood to renew my birth control prescription (going to have to find an alternative for those eventually as well, but for now the pill stays, I'm really sorry, animals). There's a protest going on right now and I'm not sure if the protesters will be at the clinic I'm going to or not. I intend to politely and thoroughly ignore any protesters who decide to manifest themselves on my 8:30 AM time slot. I will be armed with a yummy vegetarian chai and probably represent most of what the protesters are unhappy about (except the pregnancy thing, I guess). A bit of me feels hostile towards what these people are doing and wants to yell at them, but I know they've got the right. I also know they don't have the right to be on PP's property, so I'm not thinking any kind of interaction is likely.
Wisconsin later this week. Josh and I have been having some really sad lows and some really nice highs, lately. I'm hoping we can address that during this trip and level out a bit. His work is hard and I feel unloved-- same old, same old.
Want to type, need to sleep. More later.
I need to get to sleep very soon. Monday's going to require an early start. Nurse consultation at Planned Parenthood to renew my birth control prescription (going to have to find an alternative for those eventually as well, but for now the pill stays, I'm really sorry, animals). There's a protest going on right now and I'm not sure if the protesters will be at the clinic I'm going to or not. I intend to politely and thoroughly ignore any protesters who decide to manifest themselves on my 8:30 AM time slot. I will be armed with a yummy vegetarian chai and probably represent most of what the protesters are unhappy about (except the pregnancy thing, I guess). A bit of me feels hostile towards what these people are doing and wants to yell at them, but I know they've got the right. I also know they don't have the right to be on PP's property, so I'm not thinking any kind of interaction is likely.
Wisconsin later this week. Josh and I have been having some really sad lows and some really nice highs, lately. I'm hoping we can address that during this trip and level out a bit. His work is hard and I feel unloved-- same old, same old.
Want to type, need to sleep. More later.
Friday, September 17, 2010
One more thing
One more thing. I added some information to my blogger profile, and one of the fields for that page offers you a random question. Unfortunately it only allows 400 characters for you to answer.
I got something more like instructions: Write new national anthem lyrics that include animal sounds.
I wrote a new song for Florida. That's what you get for telling me what to do instead of asking me a question, blogger.
Oh noble Florida
Oh noble humida
land of rain and stickiness
and no uncertain degree of craziness.
Tourist capitol, Florida
tourist capital, Florida
Every plane a Mickey Mouse Express
Every car drive a dangerous test
Alligators bark at night
Frogs sing in rural moonlight
panhandlers shuffle in the city
Metropolises so dirty pretty
Crazy throughout the everglades
Crazy because there's little shade
crazy because our shores are teeming
with rich northerners retiree-ing.
I got something more like instructions: Write new national anthem lyrics that include animal sounds.
I wrote a new song for Florida. That's what you get for telling me what to do instead of asking me a question, blogger.
Oh noble Florida
Oh noble humida
land of rain and stickiness
and no uncertain degree of craziness.
Tourist capitol, Florida
tourist capital, Florida
Every plane a Mickey Mouse Express
Every car drive a dangerous test
Alligators bark at night
Frogs sing in rural moonlight
panhandlers shuffle in the city
Metropolises so dirty pretty
Crazy throughout the everglades
Crazy because there's little shade
crazy because our shores are teeming
with rich northerners retiree-ing.
Month Without Meat: Day 3
No meat: ding ding ding ding ding! :D
This was my first day waking up and going to sleep in Wisconsin, a situation I very much desire to make permanent as soon as possible (which is to say as soon after UCF graduation as possible). I love being with Josh. And as I've mentioned, he's fine with my making us dinners without meat, and has volunteered to make one himself. But that will probably happen this weekend, so I made us omelettes before my hardworkin' man had to get to work (onion for him, rosemary and pepper for me).
Spent the time after breakfast (I went back to bed before I made mine, so it was more like brunch) cleaning up the apartment and then made the rest of the couscous I purchased here last month. Josh wasn't a big fan, so I wanted to use it up, and hey, couscous is easy and quick. So I had some couscous and tomato slices, cleaned some more, got myself cleaned up, and headed out to get a few things from Copps.
Surprised Josh on his second bus home. It's HARD to surprise him and he liked it, so I was very pleased with myself. We had a dish I've made for us before as our dinner, just without meat (cucumber mint tomato basil salad served with sauce-topped brown rice). Made a sour cream, rosemary, and pepper sauce for myself and a jazzed up Italian dressing one for Josh.
Probably the best nutrition day so far, especially as far as dinner is concerned.
This was my first day waking up and going to sleep in Wisconsin, a situation I very much desire to make permanent as soon as possible (which is to say as soon after UCF graduation as possible). I love being with Josh. And as I've mentioned, he's fine with my making us dinners without meat, and has volunteered to make one himself. But that will probably happen this weekend, so I made us omelettes before my hardworkin' man had to get to work (onion for him, rosemary and pepper for me).
Spent the time after breakfast (I went back to bed before I made mine, so it was more like brunch) cleaning up the apartment and then made the rest of the couscous I purchased here last month. Josh wasn't a big fan, so I wanted to use it up, and hey, couscous is easy and quick. So I had some couscous and tomato slices, cleaned some more, got myself cleaned up, and headed out to get a few things from Copps.
Surprised Josh on his second bus home. It's HARD to surprise him and he liked it, so I was very pleased with myself. We had a dish I've made for us before as our dinner, just without meat (cucumber mint tomato basil salad served with sauce-topped brown rice). Made a sour cream, rosemary, and pepper sauce for myself and a jazzed up Italian dressing one for Josh.
Probably the best nutrition day so far, especially as far as dinner is concerned.
Other changes
Bit of a side: this is really a "try things!" year. I've had a terrible, zit covered face for most of my life and I think I've found a lifestyle and a cleanser that are making remarkable changes for the better to that situation*. I've gone without make up for the past several days (two weeks, I think?), and it's still scary every time I step out of the house knowing that people will see me. Josh has assured me that he loves me just fine without make up and says he prefers it that way, but I had a very hard time believing that as he's very, very rarely seen me without it. On purpose or not, though, the first thing he said when he saw me at the airport was "You look nice." That may have had something to do with my running down the stairs to get to him-- my self confidence issues are pretty minimal in the chest department, and that's the only thing minimal in my chest department, if you know what I'm saying.
But I'll admit it: I care what other people think. I don't care for very long, but the part of stepping out of the house that's scary is the waiting for someone to call attention to my face. I know high school is some degree of hellish for everyone, but even wearing make up (not very well, but still, wearing it) I'd get to hear the "Acne... ACNE--!" whispers as some jerkass followed me through the halls. I can't shake that or the other things said, years later. I immediately mistrust people I don't know who tell me I'm pretty. Of course I want to hear that, but they have no idea the depth of my longing for that, and I'm certain they're trying to butter up my surface before they ask for something. People who make fun of other people for something like acne or bad hair, anything people can be tearfully sensitive about, are jerks, and I think everyone that's important to me thinks the same. I still expect to be made fun of.
At the same time, progress. Because I'm not wearing make up and haven't for several days. And I know all this angst is a first world issue, but that's where I live.
*Lush's Coalface. Get it. GET IT.
But I'll admit it: I care what other people think. I don't care for very long, but the part of stepping out of the house that's scary is the waiting for someone to call attention to my face. I know high school is some degree of hellish for everyone, but even wearing make up (not very well, but still, wearing it) I'd get to hear the "Acne... ACNE--!" whispers as some jerkass followed me through the halls. I can't shake that or the other things said, years later. I immediately mistrust people I don't know who tell me I'm pretty. Of course I want to hear that, but they have no idea the depth of my longing for that, and I'm certain they're trying to butter up my surface before they ask for something. People who make fun of other people for something like acne or bad hair, anything people can be tearfully sensitive about, are jerks, and I think everyone that's important to me thinks the same. I still expect to be made fun of.
At the same time, progress. Because I'm not wearing make up and haven't for several days. And I know all this angst is a first world issue, but that's where I live.
*Lush's Coalface. Get it. GET IT.
Month Without Meat: Day 2
No meat: check!
Cheerios for breakfast on the way to school with a travel mug of orange juice. I think we need to give the Simply line of juices to people who are addicted to less healthy things. They'd certainly have better hair. And those beverages are no less addictive.
Juices in general note: I love cranberry and cranberry apple, Newman's Own grape juice, and Simply Orange's... Orange juice, shockingly enough. All of these are a-ok in my book. The last two are also crazy high in sugar. I'm hoping it's just because grapes and oranges are sweet fruit, but damn. Almost 40 grams a glass. WTF, supposedly healthy drinking? Healthy in that context NOT supposed to be leading to diabeetus.
Anyway. Cheerios, a small veggie sandwich, and some couscous with peas before I left the house to go to the airport (are you thinking about patronizing the Lynx system to do this, as I thought about it? Don't.) and fly to Wisconsin, where I type this now, two days later. Today was meatless (yay!), and a bit of an improvement nutrition-wise, though there's certainly room for improvement.
Cheerios for breakfast on the way to school with a travel mug of orange juice. I think we need to give the Simply line of juices to people who are addicted to less healthy things. They'd certainly have better hair. And those beverages are no less addictive.
Juices in general note: I love cranberry and cranberry apple, Newman's Own grape juice, and Simply Orange's... Orange juice, shockingly enough. All of these are a-ok in my book. The last two are also crazy high in sugar. I'm hoping it's just because grapes and oranges are sweet fruit, but damn. Almost 40 grams a glass. WTF, supposedly healthy drinking? Healthy in that context NOT supposed to be leading to diabeetus.
Anyway. Cheerios, a small veggie sandwich, and some couscous with peas before I left the house to go to the airport (are you thinking about patronizing the Lynx system to do this, as I thought about it? Don't.) and fly to Wisconsin, where I type this now, two days later. Today was meatless (yay!), and a bit of an improvement nutrition-wise, though there's certainly room for improvement.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Month Without Meat: Day 1
So today was a little challenging because I've got a cold, and when I've got a cold what I want is salty spicy chicken noodle soup with thick egg noodles. I knew I was getting a cold last night; I'm just hoping it goes away by tomorrow night, when I'll be snuggling with the love of my life on the couch.
But I did not eat meat today! I had a big handful of fruit and nut mix for breakfast minus the cranberries (blech). I wanted to just skip lunch and make a big dinner but my body demanded feeding around midday, so I got a flatbread wrap from Subway (downstairs at work; score!) with egg, bell peppers, tomato, and black olives. Because the latter in particular are a fatty, delicious comfort food. Sliced and ate a cucumber while I watched Jeopardy! and had a bowl full of peas.
Today was not necessarily a win for nutrition, so I'm going to have to be better about that tomorrow. I'll be able to make a decent breakfast in the morning (Honey Nut Cheerios + a peach I need to eat), and have a minestrone lunch before I leave for the airport. I'm low on funds and don't want to have to shell out for an airport dinner, so I'll try to make lunch really substantial.
But I did not eat meat today! I had a big handful of fruit and nut mix for breakfast minus the cranberries (blech). I wanted to just skip lunch and make a big dinner but my body demanded feeding around midday, so I got a flatbread wrap from Subway (downstairs at work; score!) with egg, bell peppers, tomato, and black olives. Because the latter in particular are a fatty, delicious comfort food. Sliced and ate a cucumber while I watched Jeopardy! and had a bowl full of peas.
Today was not necessarily a win for nutrition, so I'm going to have to be better about that tomorrow. I'll be able to make a decent breakfast in the morning (Honey Nut Cheerios + a peach I need to eat), and have a minestrone lunch before I leave for the airport. I'm low on funds and don't want to have to shell out for an airport dinner, so I'll try to make lunch really substantial.
Month Without Meat: Rules
I'm at home, which is probably a good way to start a project like this. I think typing out the guidelines I have in mind is a good idea. I'm doing this primarily because I can't stand the idea of animals being slaughtered. I know that eating meat contributes to that and that an animal (that I believe could feel fear) was killed sometime shortly before I buy its meat at the grocery store or restaurant. It makes me extremely unhappy and queasy. I grew up eating like an omnivore and I like eating steak just fine. But I can't have it in good conscience at this point. Everyone else in the world is free to make their own decisions, and I don't want to give anyone grief about their choice. This is mine.
This is also purely a test. I want to see if going without meat is painful or very difficult. I want to see if I can do something deliberately different for a whole month. I'd love to eat less meat. It's hard to imagine never eating it again, but maybe that's what this month will be the start of.
As I've mentioned this meatless month project to friends who are vegetarians to varying degrees-- there's a lot of alliteration going on; meatless month, varying vegetarians-- several have told me that there are immediate and long term health benefits, in particular from not eating beef. I haven't had the heart to look for that information since I was so scared by what I read about slaughterhouses, but I'm inclined to believe these people.
So, my rules for Meatless Month:
1) No meat. No beef, no pork, no poultry, no fish, no crab rangoon. Not even Krab rangoon, since that's made of fish.
2) I will only eat the cage free ones from the grocery store, and I will try to find a local provider of free range eggs. Having raised and kept chickens with my mom, I feel okay making the call that to me, eggs are not meat.
3) Milk, creams, cheeses, honey, and butter are okay. These might not be the healthiest choices, but I see them as products of animal life at human hands, not death (like gelatin).
4) Even if I start craving meat on day 2, I am not going to "celebrate" with a hamburger at the end of it all.
5) If Josh and I split a pizza and he gets pepperoni on his half, no big deal. He's said that he'd like to make us a vegetarian meal while I'm up there this weekend, though. Even asked his mom for recipe ideas! :} I love him. I'm making (and eating) tofu for the first time.
6) With my next paycheck I will get sissy gummy vitamins (since I know I will not take capsule ones) and dose appropriately.
7) Meatless month starts today, September 14. It ends Thursday October 14.
This is also purely a test. I want to see if going without meat is painful or very difficult. I want to see if I can do something deliberately different for a whole month. I'd love to eat less meat. It's hard to imagine never eating it again, but maybe that's what this month will be the start of.
As I've mentioned this meatless month project to friends who are vegetarians to varying degrees-- there's a lot of alliteration going on; meatless month, varying vegetarians-- several have told me that there are immediate and long term health benefits, in particular from not eating beef. I haven't had the heart to look for that information since I was so scared by what I read about slaughterhouses, but I'm inclined to believe these people.
So, my rules for Meatless Month:
1) No meat. No beef, no pork, no poultry, no fish, no crab rangoon. Not even Krab rangoon, since that's made of fish.
2) I will only eat the cage free ones from the grocery store, and I will try to find a local provider of free range eggs. Having raised and kept chickens with my mom, I feel okay making the call that to me, eggs are not meat.
3) Milk, creams, cheeses, honey, and butter are okay. These might not be the healthiest choices, but I see them as products of animal life at human hands, not death (like gelatin).
4) Even if I start craving meat on day 2, I am not going to "celebrate" with a hamburger at the end of it all.
5) If Josh and I split a pizza and he gets pepperoni on his half, no big deal. He's said that he'd like to make us a vegetarian meal while I'm up there this weekend, though. Even asked his mom for recipe ideas! :} I love him. I'm making (and eating) tofu for the first time.
6) With my next paycheck I will get sissy gummy vitamins (since I know I will not take capsule ones) and dose appropriately.
7) Meatless month starts today, September 14. It ends Thursday October 14.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Plans and Plants
Josh got to and from PAX just fine and in general I feel twitlike for kirking out over what seems like nothing in hindsight. That weekend was kind of painful and reinforced that we need to talk about a few things, but everything seems pretty spiffy at the moment except that he's thousands of miles away. That part's kind of a drag.
I went out with my friend Hannah for our second Super Shopping Saturday adventure. It was a lot of fun, and I'm glad it wasn't just a one time thing. We were both working off a pretty limited budget, but I think we were okay. Just a few things each. I did find sunglasses for the cruise next month and found out that if I order the athletic/amphibious shoes I want to get from Payless I can have them shipped to the store for free. That's a big yay. I also found a hat! It was way out of my budget this trip, but I hope we'll go back for another shopping day in a few weeks and I can snag it then.
My plan was to go and make dinner for my parents tonight. They're far from infirm, thank god, but I told mom about a recipe I'm proud of, she said it sounded good, and I offered to make it. They're not being particularly quiet about how they feel slighted by never seeing me, so it seemed like a nice olive branch. Mmm, olives. But mom's down with a migraine today, so we're going to do it tomorrow. Cocktails & Cosmos is going on at work, and I'd like to go to one someday, but since I have the night unexpectedly free I'll probably just play DS for most of it. The Aunts offered to get a third ticket so I could go see Wanda Sykes with them last night and I declined since I was planning to be with my parents-- I could definitely make myself get up and at 'em/it for that, but it doesn't feel right to ask for something like that.
It doesn't feel right for me to ask for a lot of things, and sometimes that extends to (hopefully politely) saying no when someone's offered something, even something I'd like. I think it's in part because sometimes I offer (and truly I'm on the other side of a time when I usually offered) when I'm really not in the best position to be offering, and I worry that other people might do that as well. I know I can't control what they do, but I don't want them to feel trapped in the way that I did at times, even by people I loved, who I hope loved me. It's a sticky wicket. God, "sticky wicket" sounds dirty.
In Wisconsin next week! A short trip just to get in some time with my favorite man. He was very lovely via text message yesterday night when he was coming home from work, and says he wants to come up with something meatless to make for me to eat. I'm going to try that for a month starting Tuesday: we'll see. I'd start Monday but I'm going to have a breakfast-as-dinner with his parents that night, and bacon's going to be on my plate, and as much as I realize I'm compromising the ethics that make me not want to eat meat by delaying it until after I've gotten to have bacon, it's the way it works for me. Not sure if this will lead to a permanent transition; I wouldn't mind if it did, but it would involve some creativity menuwise, and I'd imagine some superstrict budget control to make sure I could afford to eat. It would be fun to blog about the adventure, so maybe that will be a prompt for daily entries. "Here's my month of ______, followed by my month of _____!"
"Lord love a duck," as my dad would say.
I went out with my friend Hannah for our second Super Shopping Saturday adventure. It was a lot of fun, and I'm glad it wasn't just a one time thing. We were both working off a pretty limited budget, but I think we were okay. Just a few things each. I did find sunglasses for the cruise next month and found out that if I order the athletic/amphibious shoes I want to get from Payless I can have them shipped to the store for free. That's a big yay. I also found a hat! It was way out of my budget this trip, but I hope we'll go back for another shopping day in a few weeks and I can snag it then.
My plan was to go and make dinner for my parents tonight. They're far from infirm, thank god, but I told mom about a recipe I'm proud of, she said it sounded good, and I offered to make it. They're not being particularly quiet about how they feel slighted by never seeing me, so it seemed like a nice olive branch. Mmm, olives. But mom's down with a migraine today, so we're going to do it tomorrow. Cocktails & Cosmos is going on at work, and I'd like to go to one someday, but since I have the night unexpectedly free I'll probably just play DS for most of it. The Aunts offered to get a third ticket so I could go see Wanda Sykes with them last night and I declined since I was planning to be with my parents-- I could definitely make myself get up and at 'em/it for that, but it doesn't feel right to ask for something like that.
It doesn't feel right for me to ask for a lot of things, and sometimes that extends to (hopefully politely) saying no when someone's offered something, even something I'd like. I think it's in part because sometimes I offer (and truly I'm on the other side of a time when I usually offered) when I'm really not in the best position to be offering, and I worry that other people might do that as well. I know I can't control what they do, but I don't want them to feel trapped in the way that I did at times, even by people I loved, who I hope loved me. It's a sticky wicket. God, "sticky wicket" sounds dirty.
In Wisconsin next week! A short trip just to get in some time with my favorite man. He was very lovely via text message yesterday night when he was coming home from work, and says he wants to come up with something meatless to make for me to eat. I'm going to try that for a month starting Tuesday: we'll see. I'd start Monday but I'm going to have a breakfast-as-dinner with his parents that night, and bacon's going to be on my plate, and as much as I realize I'm compromising the ethics that make me not want to eat meat by delaying it until after I've gotten to have bacon, it's the way it works for me. Not sure if this will lead to a permanent transition; I wouldn't mind if it did, but it would involve some creativity menuwise, and I'd imagine some superstrict budget control to make sure I could afford to eat. It would be fun to blog about the adventure, so maybe that will be a prompt for daily entries. "Here's my month of ______, followed by my month of _____!"
"Lord love a duck," as my dad would say.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
At the moment
My stomach is doing somersaults. I'm not on a boat. I'm worried about my boyfriend flying to PAX.
I'm just within the last few minutes (hopefully) over him participating in the expo... This is perfect for him and I want him to go, I want him to have a great time, I want him to get to geek out. I just don't want him to see any other women who like the things he does, and I know they'll be there. :/
I know that's stupid and insecure, but when it comes to Josh I can be pretty stupid and insecure. I hope it's a side effect of the long distance thing. When I found out how good looking a particular corps of the people at Epic (where he works) are, I had a similar, though less extensive, freak out. I'd resent it if someone were constantly possessive of me, and I don't want to be that sort of person myself. I just, you know, want there to be a sex segregated PAX.
...I don't want that. I talked to Josh a bit and I'm sure I'm okay with it as I can be: I don't think he's going to fall in love or too deeply in lust with some good looking and well chested gamer girl. Hopefully not at all, but I know they'll be there and I know he'll see them. There will be no sleeping with or kissing of these girls. I'm as sure of that as I can be.
Not really sure how I trust Josh and am still so, so scared that something like that could happen. I know the trust is there that he would never seek something like that out-- 100% sure of that. I guess my fear is that someone will aggressively offer herself to him. I'd expect him to refuse, I'd want him to refuse, but I'd be deeply, deeply hurt if he didn't. And really, looking back on how we got started, I sort of aggressively offered myself to Josh. Maybe that's just a part of the worry or the basis of it all.
Regardless, we talked about it a bit and I'm as relaxed about it as I'm gonna get. So right now I'm just worried that he's on a plane going farther away and it's dark. The man's flown to Japan and back three times and my worry level was elevated, let's say yellow, maybe, but not exactly the "good jesus and saltines, pilot, you better get my boyfriend there safe" one-sided routine I'm running at the moment.
Maybe it's a little dangerous to put so much of myself in my love for another person. It doesn't seem like what I expected of myself for most of my life. I have no intention of not doing it, but sometimes when I get scared I'm reminded that it doesn't seem very reserved to, well, not reserve very much. It makes me so happy to make Josh happy, though. I don't think I quite have domestic housefrau bliss, but cooking for us, rubbing his neck, sitting close to him on the couch while we watch movies, those things all make me really happy.
So he'd better make it to and back from Seattle in one live, happy piece, United.
I'm just within the last few minutes (hopefully) over him participating in the expo... This is perfect for him and I want him to go, I want him to have a great time, I want him to get to geek out. I just don't want him to see any other women who like the things he does, and I know they'll be there. :/
I know that's stupid and insecure, but when it comes to Josh I can be pretty stupid and insecure. I hope it's a side effect of the long distance thing. When I found out how good looking a particular corps of the people at Epic (where he works) are, I had a similar, though less extensive, freak out. I'd resent it if someone were constantly possessive of me, and I don't want to be that sort of person myself. I just, you know, want there to be a sex segregated PAX.
...I don't want that. I talked to Josh a bit and I'm sure I'm okay with it as I can be: I don't think he's going to fall in love or too deeply in lust with some good looking and well chested gamer girl. Hopefully not at all, but I know they'll be there and I know he'll see them. There will be no sleeping with or kissing of these girls. I'm as sure of that as I can be.
Not really sure how I trust Josh and am still so, so scared that something like that could happen. I know the trust is there that he would never seek something like that out-- 100% sure of that. I guess my fear is that someone will aggressively offer herself to him. I'd expect him to refuse, I'd want him to refuse, but I'd be deeply, deeply hurt if he didn't. And really, looking back on how we got started, I sort of aggressively offered myself to Josh. Maybe that's just a part of the worry or the basis of it all.
Regardless, we talked about it a bit and I'm as relaxed about it as I'm gonna get. So right now I'm just worried that he's on a plane going farther away and it's dark. The man's flown to Japan and back three times and my worry level was elevated, let's say yellow, maybe, but not exactly the "good jesus and saltines, pilot, you better get my boyfriend there safe" one-sided routine I'm running at the moment.
Maybe it's a little dangerous to put so much of myself in my love for another person. It doesn't seem like what I expected of myself for most of my life. I have no intention of not doing it, but sometimes when I get scared I'm reminded that it doesn't seem very reserved to, well, not reserve very much. It makes me so happy to make Josh happy, though. I don't think I quite have domestic housefrau bliss, but cooking for us, rubbing his neck, sitting close to him on the couch while we watch movies, those things all make me really happy.
So he'd better make it to and back from Seattle in one live, happy piece, United.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Long first day of class is long
And I'm beat. I was still in a funk this morning, but the mood improved considerably when Josh made a joke this afternoon. French class was un peu terrifying-- I'm responsible for knowing how to indicate past tense, which we didn't learn in my last French class. That first French course was accepted by UCF, and I figured I needed to look over some vocabulary and make sure I knew the pronouns and the regular conjugations that go with their verbs, but the past tense just... It won't be hard to learn, but I need to have it seamlessly integrated by Wednesday night. I have time to study. I think I can do it.
I really want to take French with a classmate from that first class at Valencia. We've been friends on Facebook since then and kept up with one another and planned to take French together when we could. This was the first semester it's worked out, and there are two professeurs at UCF. We registered with a madame, but some time after we registered Msr. Wardeh was assigned as the instructor. He seems nice enough, but demanding. A friend has warned me that he's not her favorite professor. While I might be able to get the past tense down quickly, I'm not sure I'm going to be able to handle the rest.
Really want to take the class with Sara, but I think I'm going to use Wednesday night's class as a compass. Crossed fingers.
More about the other classes later.
I really want to take French with a classmate from that first class at Valencia. We've been friends on Facebook since then and kept up with one another and planned to take French together when we could. This was the first semester it's worked out, and there are two professeurs at UCF. We registered with a madame, but some time after we registered Msr. Wardeh was assigned as the instructor. He seems nice enough, but demanding. A friend has warned me that he's not her favorite professor. While I might be able to get the past tense down quickly, I'm not sure I'm going to be able to handle the rest.
Really want to take the class with Sara, but I think I'm going to use Wednesday night's class as a compass. Crossed fingers.
More about the other classes later.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Benefits and benefactors
When Josh is sad I'm usually sad by association. I love him and I want him to be happy, and if I can't come up with something to say or show him to help his mood I feel sort of useless. I'm not sure if this is better or worse when we're so far away from one another-- certainly I want to hold him while he's sad; he does that for me when we're together and it helps.
I miss him pretty bad today. Had a nice few hours at work and got to talk about him a few times earlier and I know that's probably making me miss him more. I was able to (very nearly!) painlessly tell one of the girls that asked that we wouldn't be getting engaged until we could spend some time living together. For which I expected chocolate to fall from the sky and was then deeply depressed by the lack of.
Anyway, he's down today. I get like that, too, and I know sometimes I don't really want people to suggest ways that I feel better-- my mom really gets on my nerves when she says "If you're lonely, you should call your parents!" though I know she's trying to help. And knowing people want to help is usually what soothes me. A little while after I saw a post in that vein on Facebook last night I found some stand up on Netflix and watched that for a few hours. Laughter's the best medicine. When I was so, so scared about giving blood I called my dad and he pretty much said exactly what I asked him not to in the drawn-out "Help me!" preamble, but I knew from his tone and silliness that he wanted me to feel better, and that helped more than I can possibly tell him. I would have left without doing it if it weren't for dad.
Really, Josh and Dad are the men in my life. There are very few other men I see on a regular basis and really no other male opinions I consider. Cliff is Heather's husband, Richard is Hannah's husband, and they're valued through association and appreciated, but... I don't love them, I guess, is the point. It's probably a good thing to not love too many men. It's probably a good idea to do a certain amount of thinking only in your head, Alex.
My dad is an accountant, and I wish I'd known my Papa better because dad's got a lot of wheeler-n-dealer in him and it's been explained to me that this is something Jennelle males inherit without exception. A thing I'm nostalgic for without ever experiencing is the barter system I understand my grandfather had with some of his clients-- he'd paint a house, they'd give him groceries, that sort of thing. Dad deals with money, but I know of many a client who he's bartered work for goods with. A Franklin Mint die cast for monthly accounting services. Lawn mower repair for tax returns.
He's worked something out with a client very recently, and I think he did it with my benefit in mind. I'm about an hour away from home now and I see my parents a few times a month. But this really, really touches me. I'm sure there's something this client could have given him directly, but he asked his client for it to go to me, instead. And it's food! Out by school! So, so useful in the coming months. Days. Shoot, I should have called today and arranged it so I could have gotten dinner.
This appreciation of intent, and of the consideration that others offer me, is a pretty powerful thing, and it sticks in my memory. The first time I got to visit Josh after we were officially an item (long story short: we've been long distance since we got together), we went to lunch with his parents in Boston. Royal East; really yummy Chinese. It was a good lunch and I was happy to be with him and only a little nervous about his parents, and one of them asked if there was anything I wanted to see or do while I was up there. I threw out a few things I wanted, knowing that a few were silly and that the trip was too short to get in most of them. But I told them about my plan to see the Glass Flowers at the Harvard hiss! Museum of Natural History and that I wanted to see the Smoot Marks and a few other things.
When we got done with lunch, Josh walked us right over to the bridge so I could see the Smoot Marks. I didn't even realize what he was doing until we were there. He's written and said and done sweet things since then, but that one was so unexpected and sweet I could only babble thanks at the time; I was too impressed with him to appreciate what he'd done, if that makes sense.
I think a lot. One of the stand up shows I watched last night was Wanda Sykes' Tongue Untied, which contains a small section about how women can't stop thinking. A good chunk of my thinking is devoted to Josh, and the ways I want to make him happy. Another good chunk is remembering and thinking about the nice things the men I do not expect to be sweet do for me, and hoping I can give them pleasant memories, too.
I miss him pretty bad today. Had a nice few hours at work and got to talk about him a few times earlier and I know that's probably making me miss him more. I was able to (very nearly!) painlessly tell one of the girls that asked that we wouldn't be getting engaged until we could spend some time living together. For which I expected chocolate to fall from the sky and was then deeply depressed by the lack of.
Anyway, he's down today. I get like that, too, and I know sometimes I don't really want people to suggest ways that I feel better-- my mom really gets on my nerves when she says "If you're lonely, you should call your parents!" though I know she's trying to help. And knowing people want to help is usually what soothes me. A little while after I saw a post in that vein on Facebook last night I found some stand up on Netflix and watched that for a few hours. Laughter's the best medicine. When I was so, so scared about giving blood I called my dad and he pretty much said exactly what I asked him not to in the drawn-out "Help me!" preamble, but I knew from his tone and silliness that he wanted me to feel better, and that helped more than I can possibly tell him. I would have left without doing it if it weren't for dad.
Really, Josh and Dad are the men in my life. There are very few other men I see on a regular basis and really no other male opinions I consider. Cliff is Heather's husband, Richard is Hannah's husband, and they're valued through association and appreciated, but... I don't love them, I guess, is the point. It's probably a good thing to not love too many men. It's probably a good idea to do a certain amount of thinking only in your head, Alex.
My dad is an accountant, and I wish I'd known my Papa better because dad's got a lot of wheeler-n-dealer in him and it's been explained to me that this is something Jennelle males inherit without exception. A thing I'm nostalgic for without ever experiencing is the barter system I understand my grandfather had with some of his clients-- he'd paint a house, they'd give him groceries, that sort of thing. Dad deals with money, but I know of many a client who he's bartered work for goods with. A Franklin Mint die cast for monthly accounting services. Lawn mower repair for tax returns.
He's worked something out with a client very recently, and I think he did it with my benefit in mind. I'm about an hour away from home now and I see my parents a few times a month. But this really, really touches me. I'm sure there's something this client could have given him directly, but he asked his client for it to go to me, instead. And it's food! Out by school! So, so useful in the coming months. Days. Shoot, I should have called today and arranged it so I could have gotten dinner.
This appreciation of intent, and of the consideration that others offer me, is a pretty powerful thing, and it sticks in my memory. The first time I got to visit Josh after we were officially an item (long story short: we've been long distance since we got together), we went to lunch with his parents in Boston. Royal East; really yummy Chinese. It was a good lunch and I was happy to be with him and only a little nervous about his parents, and one of them asked if there was anything I wanted to see or do while I was up there. I threw out a few things I wanted, knowing that a few were silly and that the trip was too short to get in most of them. But I told them about my plan to see the Glass Flowers at the Harvard hiss! Museum of Natural History and that I wanted to see the Smoot Marks and a few other things.
When we got done with lunch, Josh walked us right over to the bridge so I could see the Smoot Marks. I didn't even realize what he was doing until we were there. He's written and said and done sweet things since then, but that one was so unexpected and sweet I could only babble thanks at the time; I was too impressed with him to appreciate what he'd done, if that makes sense.
I think a lot. One of the stand up shows I watched last night was Wanda Sykes' Tongue Untied, which contains a small section about how women can't stop thinking. A good chunk of my thinking is devoted to Josh, and the ways I want to make him happy. Another good chunk is remembering and thinking about the nice things the men I do not expect to be sweet do for me, and hoping I can give them pleasant memories, too.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Sitch
Got home midday Monday from a nice Wisconsin visit. It was a little up and down emotionwise, but a very good visit. I will try very hard to get around to writing about it sometime soon.
Came home to a... slightly different situation than the one I'd left. I live with my mom's cousin (who I grew up idolizing and calling "Aunt Pat"), her wife (hereafter "H") and lots of cats and three dogs and an aquarium full of coral and tropical fish. My place is a sweet little suite, sort of like an efficiency with a really nice bathroom. I have a little kitchenette a yard or so away from the foot of my bed. Anyway. There's a door to the bathroom from my room and another from the hallway off the main house.
Sharing the bathroom now with H's dad. Which is not a problem. I haven't even seen him yet. Aside from knowing there's someone in the bathroom a few feet away from me when the light comes on when I'm trying to sleep, there haven't been any snafus or weird smells or undealable-with unpleasantries. The door to the bathroom from the hallway stays open now, so that H's dad can access it. No problem there, either.
But the litter box for the cats I'm watching (pretty much by way of rent) was in the bathroom, and I'm watching them because they're meant to stay away from the other animals. So now the cats live full time in my room, and as of last night their litter box does, too.
I love animals. I'm a girl like that. I think animal abusers are scum. I've also learned that with the great cuteness of cats comes great responsibility. I hate the smell of cat pee. HATE IT. I put baking soda in the litter last night and I'll make a point of scooping as often as possible and I burned a Yankee Candle for the better part of the evening and will again tonight and my air circulator plug in thingy has been running nonstop. But if that smell becomes a part of my living arrangement I will go bonkers.
The cats peed on my bed when I stayed with my parents over the Fourth of July weekend. They had plenty of food and water and even treats and I cleaned their litter box right before I left, but they peed on the floor and on my bed. This violation cost them dearly on the Alex's Trust front. So far no problems, but I'm nervous to leave them here while I'm at work and school for the whole day.
I'd prefer they never went near the bed again, but I know they'll sleep on it while I'm gone. So the plan is to cover everything with a blanket I'm not emotionally or financially attached to when I'm out and hope for the best. I do have access to laundry at home now, so if anything happens I'll have a quick, hopefully quiet freak out and then apply antismell enzymes and wash wash wash.
On a Beach Boys kick lately.
That is all.
Came home to a... slightly different situation than the one I'd left. I live with my mom's cousin (who I grew up idolizing and calling "Aunt Pat"), her wife (hereafter "H") and lots of cats and three dogs and an aquarium full of coral and tropical fish. My place is a sweet little suite, sort of like an efficiency with a really nice bathroom. I have a little kitchenette a yard or so away from the foot of my bed. Anyway. There's a door to the bathroom from my room and another from the hallway off the main house.
Sharing the bathroom now with H's dad. Which is not a problem. I haven't even seen him yet. Aside from knowing there's someone in the bathroom a few feet away from me when the light comes on when I'm trying to sleep, there haven't been any snafus or weird smells or undealable-with unpleasantries. The door to the bathroom from the hallway stays open now, so that H's dad can access it. No problem there, either.
But the litter box for the cats I'm watching (pretty much by way of rent) was in the bathroom, and I'm watching them because they're meant to stay away from the other animals. So now the cats live full time in my room, and as of last night their litter box does, too.
I love animals. I'm a girl like that. I think animal abusers are scum. I've also learned that with the great cuteness of cats comes great responsibility. I hate the smell of cat pee. HATE IT. I put baking soda in the litter last night and I'll make a point of scooping as often as possible and I burned a Yankee Candle for the better part of the evening and will again tonight and my air circulator plug in thingy has been running nonstop. But if that smell becomes a part of my living arrangement I will go bonkers.
The cats peed on my bed when I stayed with my parents over the Fourth of July weekend. They had plenty of food and water and even treats and I cleaned their litter box right before I left, but they peed on the floor and on my bed. This violation cost them dearly on the Alex's Trust front. So far no problems, but I'm nervous to leave them here while I'm at work and school for the whole day.
I'd prefer they never went near the bed again, but I know they'll sleep on it while I'm gone. So the plan is to cover everything with a blanket I'm not emotionally or financially attached to when I'm out and hope for the best. I do have access to laundry at home now, so if anything happens I'll have a quick, hopefully quiet freak out and then apply antismell enzymes and wash wash wash.
On a Beach Boys kick lately.
That is all.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Leaping Lizards
They live with me here in Orlando.
No kidding. They jump all over the place. Up onto the hardscape wall, off one of the outside lights onto the driveway... Crazy. But fun. It always seems like they're going to bodyslam their little selves too hard, but they don't even seem to have to shake it off.
School's trucking along to the end. Pretty sure I can swing an A in Caribbean Cultures, I'm thinking a high one (why are there A- marks but no A+? Not fair!). That's a nice relief. The Indians of the Southwest professor who I admire so much knows my name! Cue scholastic joy. I'm thinking it'll be a B or an A for that one. Hoping for an A. We'll have to see how this final project turns out, though.
Oh, final project. My plan for today was to go through my textbooks and several library databases and then maybe to the library itself to find some resources, figure out what position I want to take with the research question, and start writing the paper.
I stayed home all day and ate a lot of cheese. I watched The Animatrix. I planned out the next two semesters and generally did things I've been meaning to do... Except get around to starting this paper. So I'm going to sleep early tonight and going to get up early tomorrow (so halp me gayd) and going to the library and knocking it out. I feel energized about it, and I'm not sure why it's so difficult to make progress, or at the very least stop getting distracted by other shiny things. It's common for that to happen, and to be honest I can't remember ever trying to work on a project or paper before the deadline loomed like a scary gonna-fail-and-never-graduate monster set to give me an ulcer or make me lose my hair or break out or get fat or yeah, you know? That sort of pressure.
I don't really want to be the person who falls back on "Oh, I just can't work until it's due," because I don't like the way that sounds: lazy. I don't want to be that way, and I'm thinking lately about making sure there's time to make my work really good. So maybe there needs to be a transition from working with steely determination right up until that 11:59 assignment availability window, but I want to break away from that.
Smaller assignments I've managed to turn in early in this six week semester. Hopefully that's a good sign; it's certainly new.
Josh was here for the weekend. There were some flight cancellation/delay issues that we've never had to deal with before on the way to see one another (going away, yes, but since that time sucks anyway it hasn't seemed so out of place). But Josh did not give up and made it here and it was a really nice forty eight hours together. He's still tall and smelling good and gorgeous and a genius, and I'm more in love with him than ever. Unlike the early assignment submission that is not new.
We talked a bit about some serious stuff, because, well, we needed to. I'm not sure when my internal switch flicked from "We'll get married in the future and it'll be great" to "We'll get married in the future and it'll be great and the sooner we do it the better," but the second sentiment's been on high lately. Could be thanks to the wedding last month. It is something we've known was going to happen since we got together, and we've talked about it since then. Every once in a while one of us will throw out a "marry me" to the other when we do something really nice.
And shoot. I want him to be serious about it and asking the question sincerely. No, not shoot. Dammit. :/
When we discussed it before we agreed (stupid, stupid self of two years ago!) that living together and making sure things were a good fit that way was important before getting engaged. Before I got my job the plan was for me to take online classes this summer and spend my time up there. I secretly hoped that would be enough, and that before I left to come back to school he'd have asked seriously and we'd be official.
Pbbbb, job. You know I love you, but I had a feeling you'd cramp my style a bit.
So obviously that summer session of playing house didn't work out, and I won't get to be up there for an extended period until it's time for me to be up there permanently. Which is okay. Less than a year, now! And I still agree that living together before going further is an excellent idea. In theory. But I was really worried that Josh would be content with that forever, or stuck in some sort of unengaged limbo, and truly I was a little terrified that maybe he considered us engaged and I didn't, and more than a little terrified that despite our earnest conversations about it I was the one with the wrong view and my god was he that kind of guy, and was I that kind of girl, being strung along?
I do this to myself a lot. Not the being strung along, the increase in pitch n' panic.
We talked and things are fine. I asked if the plan was still to live together first and he said yes, that's the plan. He just wants to be sure. And even though I want it to be official and I want it official on Facebook and I am so ready to be married with a baby already even though I'm not, I can see why that's important. I keep reminding myself that the point of being married is being together forever, and technically now is part of our forever.
It's not like being able to say we're getting married, but... I'll wait.
No kidding. They jump all over the place. Up onto the hardscape wall, off one of the outside lights onto the driveway... Crazy. But fun. It always seems like they're going to bodyslam their little selves too hard, but they don't even seem to have to shake it off.
School's trucking along to the end. Pretty sure I can swing an A in Caribbean Cultures, I'm thinking a high one (why are there A- marks but no A+? Not fair!). That's a nice relief. The Indians of the Southwest professor who I admire so much knows my name! Cue scholastic joy. I'm thinking it'll be a B or an A for that one. Hoping for an A. We'll have to see how this final project turns out, though.
Oh, final project. My plan for today was to go through my textbooks and several library databases and then maybe to the library itself to find some resources, figure out what position I want to take with the research question, and start writing the paper.
I stayed home all day and ate a lot of cheese. I watched The Animatrix. I planned out the next two semesters and generally did things I've been meaning to do... Except get around to starting this paper. So I'm going to sleep early tonight and going to get up early tomorrow (so halp me gayd) and going to the library and knocking it out. I feel energized about it, and I'm not sure why it's so difficult to make progress, or at the very least stop getting distracted by other shiny things. It's common for that to happen, and to be honest I can't remember ever trying to work on a project or paper before the deadline loomed like a scary gonna-fail-and-never-graduate monster set to give me an ulcer or make me lose my hair or break out or get fat or yeah, you know? That sort of pressure.
I don't really want to be the person who falls back on "Oh, I just can't work until it's due," because I don't like the way that sounds: lazy. I don't want to be that way, and I'm thinking lately about making sure there's time to make my work really good. So maybe there needs to be a transition from working with steely determination right up until that 11:59 assignment availability window, but I want to break away from that.
Smaller assignments I've managed to turn in early in this six week semester. Hopefully that's a good sign; it's certainly new.
Josh was here for the weekend. There were some flight cancellation/delay issues that we've never had to deal with before on the way to see one another (going away, yes, but since that time sucks anyway it hasn't seemed so out of place). But Josh did not give up and made it here and it was a really nice forty eight hours together. He's still tall and smelling good and gorgeous and a genius, and I'm more in love with him than ever. Unlike the early assignment submission that is not new.
We talked a bit about some serious stuff, because, well, we needed to. I'm not sure when my internal switch flicked from "We'll get married in the future and it'll be great" to "We'll get married in the future and it'll be great and the sooner we do it the better," but the second sentiment's been on high lately. Could be thanks to the wedding last month. It is something we've known was going to happen since we got together, and we've talked about it since then. Every once in a while one of us will throw out a "marry me" to the other when we do something really nice.
And shoot. I want him to be serious about it and asking the question sincerely. No, not shoot. Dammit. :/
When we discussed it before we agreed (stupid, stupid self of two years ago!) that living together and making sure things were a good fit that way was important before getting engaged. Before I got my job the plan was for me to take online classes this summer and spend my time up there. I secretly hoped that would be enough, and that before I left to come back to school he'd have asked seriously and we'd be official.
Pbbbb, job. You know I love you, but I had a feeling you'd cramp my style a bit.
So obviously that summer session of playing house didn't work out, and I won't get to be up there for an extended period until it's time for me to be up there permanently. Which is okay. Less than a year, now! And I still agree that living together before going further is an excellent idea. In theory. But I was really worried that Josh would be content with that forever, or stuck in some sort of unengaged limbo, and truly I was a little terrified that maybe he considered us engaged and I didn't, and more than a little terrified that despite our earnest conversations about it I was the one with the wrong view and my god was he that kind of guy, and was I that kind of girl, being strung along?
I do this to myself a lot. Not the being strung along, the increase in pitch n' panic.
We talked and things are fine. I asked if the plan was still to live together first and he said yes, that's the plan. He just wants to be sure. And even though I want it to be official and I want it official on Facebook and I am so ready to be married with a baby already even though I'm not, I can see why that's important. I keep reminding myself that the point of being married is being together forever, and technically now is part of our forever.
It's not like being able to say we're getting married, but... I'll wait.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Things and how they've been
Got an A on that Mesoamerican Archaeology final. Unfortunately this was after bombing the midterm, so I ended up with a B in the course (B+, actually). B for Literary Critique and Theory, as well. God, I'm so glad that insufferable class is over.
After last semester and in light of the looming apply-to-grad school period of my life, I'm trying really hard to stay on top of things for this section of summer. Hopefully this will be a well enough established trend to get me through fall with high grades and only a little heartache. I would love it if I still had all my hair. I'm not truly worried about taking the five classes in the fall so much as I am aware that it's different, very likely in a more challenging way, than any of my previous semesters. Higher course codes (though I just realized I'm taking a 4000 series course this semester-- and doing well, woohoo!), more courses, courses with professors I know are demanding... And though I'm conscious of that challenge, it seems like such an opportunity to really wow people, and I'm hoping that's what I'll do.
One of my professors this semester is just phenomenal. I've had her before for another class and was awestruck then, too; she's an amazing lecturer, a snazzy dresser, very personable and funny and intensely, elegantly competent. I want to be like that when I grow up.
So, second summer session is on and fall looms. Eh. Josh will be here next weekend. YAY! And then two weeks after I'll be in Wisconsin. YAAAAAY! Going to meet with the UW-Madison graduate school reception person this time, and I'm hoping like hell that it will go well. Want this bad. Want to get into grad school, want to get into that grad school, want to study to become a librarian and become a librarian and help guide people to the information they need and revel in how hot Josh thinks librarians are and how awesome I think librarians are. If I can't be the queen of the jungle, I might as well be a librarian.
There are two (!) containers of dessert on top of my little fridge. The first is full of rainbow cupcakes from Hannah, a good friend who is quickly becoming an even better (gooder!) friend. Spending time with her is so much fun and healthy and feels very natural. The second is a box of peanut butter brownies, oh my swee-ut jaysus, from Josh's mom. Had dinner with his parents tonight.
Life's going. And it keeps going.
After last semester and in light of the looming apply-to-grad school period of my life, I'm trying really hard to stay on top of things for this section of summer. Hopefully this will be a well enough established trend to get me through fall with high grades and only a little heartache. I would love it if I still had all my hair. I'm not truly worried about taking the five classes in the fall so much as I am aware that it's different, very likely in a more challenging way, than any of my previous semesters. Higher course codes (though I just realized I'm taking a 4000 series course this semester-- and doing well, woohoo!), more courses, courses with professors I know are demanding... And though I'm conscious of that challenge, it seems like such an opportunity to really wow people, and I'm hoping that's what I'll do.
One of my professors this semester is just phenomenal. I've had her before for another class and was awestruck then, too; she's an amazing lecturer, a snazzy dresser, very personable and funny and intensely, elegantly competent. I want to be like that when I grow up.
So, second summer session is on and fall looms. Eh. Josh will be here next weekend. YAY! And then two weeks after I'll be in Wisconsin. YAAAAAY! Going to meet with the UW-Madison graduate school reception person this time, and I'm hoping like hell that it will go well. Want this bad. Want to get into grad school, want to get into that grad school, want to study to become a librarian and become a librarian and help guide people to the information they need and revel in how hot Josh thinks librarians are and how awesome I think librarians are. If I can't be the queen of the jungle, I might as well be a librarian.
There are two (!) containers of dessert on top of my little fridge. The first is full of rainbow cupcakes from Hannah, a good friend who is quickly becoming an even better (gooder!) friend. Spending time with her is so much fun and healthy and feels very natural. The second is a box of peanut butter brownies, oh my swee-ut jaysus, from Josh's mom. Had dinner with his parents tonight.
Life's going. And it keeps going.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
A bit confused where I did not expect to be.
J'adore Lady Gaga.
Just saw the Alejandro video.
...What the fuck? I don't object to the imagery at all, but... What the hell does all that mean? I'm feeling a bit stupid for not getting it, but I don't think I do, at all. I love the story she told with Telephone, and Alejandro is very, very stylish, but there's no connect for me; I feel like I missed an important scene that would have connected things for me. I don't really resent it, I'm just not left with a feeling that the intent is for a viewer to draw their own conclusions. Am I just lazy, am I too stupid to pick up on it? That's a weary place to find yourself.
My Mesoamerican Archaeology final is tomorrow. I've done some studying. Promise. Tonight there will be more. I took a break to watch Jeopardy! and then go for a double loop around the Lake Underhill trail earlier, so I think I'm going to clean up and then it's back to Mexico, Belize, and Guatemala.
Just saw the Alejandro video.
...What the fuck? I don't object to the imagery at all, but... What the hell does all that mean? I'm feeling a bit stupid for not getting it, but I don't think I do, at all. I love the story she told with Telephone, and Alejandro is very, very stylish, but there's no connect for me; I feel like I missed an important scene that would have connected things for me. I don't really resent it, I'm just not left with a feeling that the intent is for a viewer to draw their own conclusions. Am I just lazy, am I too stupid to pick up on it? That's a weary place to find yourself.
My Mesoamerican Archaeology final is tomorrow. I've done some studying. Promise. Tonight there will be more. I took a break to watch Jeopardy! and then go for a double loop around the Lake Underhill trail earlier, so I think I'm going to clean up and then it's back to Mexico, Belize, and Guatemala.
A visit!
Josh was here over the weekend, and spending time with him is the highlight of my life, so I'd say that's blogworthy.
His sister got married in a very nice, pretty but not fussy ceremony and I relinquished all the hate I learned for the wedding coordinator at the rehearsal dinner when I found out she did the screaming at Publix to get the cake so Josh and Amanda's mom didn't have to the day of the wedding. I always thought that position was best suited to someone of quiet elegance but I think to get things done perhaps a little danger shrew is beneficial. Anyway, cake get. Amanda didn't really care too much about flowers beyond having them as necessary-- bouquets, boutineers, corsages-- but her bridal bouquet was beautiful, really lush lilac and white roses and freesia. I'm a flower nut, so I think between myself and the other women at the wedding every detail was appreciated fully. Her dress was elegant, and everyone looked quite nice. Friends of mine were married at The Lakeside Inn a few years ago at the little gazebo but Amanda and Tim chose to get married under this triad of oak trees; I think I prefer the trees. Thank you for calling Lorax Weddings, how may I help you?
Amanda's always been nice to me, so I got a horrible stab of guilt immediately after the horrible stab of jealousy over how beautiful she looked. Successfully let all that go and was happy for her and her new husband for the rest of the night. They really did look delighted to be married and with one another in general, and that's very touching. They did not squoosh cake in each others faces, so I continue to wish them the very best. Josh and I agreed: we wish for them happiness, lives free from fear, and conveniently-timed fertility should they so desire it.
Josh was here, and even a wedding couldn't distract my hormones from that. Love him love him love that man. This was the first time he's been back since he started work in Wisconsin in January, and he stayed with me at the new place in Orlando, which as all kinds of magnificent. We spent some time with a friend of his I'd met only very briefly before (this after enduring an anxiety-causing downtown parking lot; I love hippie stuff but I hate the goddamned cramped parking that seems to accompany every hippie place I ever visit) and his girlfriend. Went over well. Went to SAK after the rehearsal dinner and that was fun.
Looked cute at the wedding. Josh's family are the kind of people who don't seem to take bad photographs unless you catch them in motion, you know? And then they're just blurry. Whereas in my case, I need to be the focus of the photographer or I'll be looking away or have my chin tucked down on my chest or be standing in an incredibly unflattering way. Oy. I felt cute, anyway. Hopefully someone got a nice photo of Josh and I, because he looked amazing.
Sunday night at the airport Delta was less than helpful, but eventually (the next morning, after a stop in Detroit) Josh got home. I cried like a whelky crying thing when we said goodbye. I think the sweetness of the weekend and discussion of weddings and how nice it is to be with him was too much to let go of without tears. But we did get to talk after we were both home last night, and he'll be back in a month for another weekend and then I'll be there, and we talked about what to do apartmentwise in a year. These are good things.
His sister got married in a very nice, pretty but not fussy ceremony and I relinquished all the hate I learned for the wedding coordinator at the rehearsal dinner when I found out she did the screaming at Publix to get the cake so Josh and Amanda's mom didn't have to the day of the wedding. I always thought that position was best suited to someone of quiet elegance but I think to get things done perhaps a little danger shrew is beneficial. Anyway, cake get. Amanda didn't really care too much about flowers beyond having them as necessary-- bouquets, boutineers, corsages-- but her bridal bouquet was beautiful, really lush lilac and white roses and freesia. I'm a flower nut, so I think between myself and the other women at the wedding every detail was appreciated fully. Her dress was elegant, and everyone looked quite nice. Friends of mine were married at The Lakeside Inn a few years ago at the little gazebo but Amanda and Tim chose to get married under this triad of oak trees; I think I prefer the trees. Thank you for calling Lorax Weddings, how may I help you?
Amanda's always been nice to me, so I got a horrible stab of guilt immediately after the horrible stab of jealousy over how beautiful she looked. Successfully let all that go and was happy for her and her new husband for the rest of the night. They really did look delighted to be married and with one another in general, and that's very touching. They did not squoosh cake in each others faces, so I continue to wish them the very best. Josh and I agreed: we wish for them happiness, lives free from fear, and conveniently-timed fertility should they so desire it.
Josh was here, and even a wedding couldn't distract my hormones from that. Love him love him love that man. This was the first time he's been back since he started work in Wisconsin in January, and he stayed with me at the new place in Orlando, which as all kinds of magnificent. We spent some time with a friend of his I'd met only very briefly before (this after enduring an anxiety-causing downtown parking lot; I love hippie stuff but I hate the goddamned cramped parking that seems to accompany every hippie place I ever visit) and his girlfriend. Went over well. Went to SAK after the rehearsal dinner and that was fun.
Looked cute at the wedding. Josh's family are the kind of people who don't seem to take bad photographs unless you catch them in motion, you know? And then they're just blurry. Whereas in my case, I need to be the focus of the photographer or I'll be looking away or have my chin tucked down on my chest or be standing in an incredibly unflattering way. Oy. I felt cute, anyway. Hopefully someone got a nice photo of Josh and I, because he looked amazing.
Sunday night at the airport Delta was less than helpful, but eventually (the next morning, after a stop in Detroit) Josh got home. I cried like a whelky crying thing when we said goodbye. I think the sweetness of the weekend and discussion of weddings and how nice it is to be with him was too much to let go of without tears. But we did get to talk after we were both home last night, and he'll be back in a month for another weekend and then I'll be there, and we talked about what to do apartmentwise in a year. These are good things.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Let's set the tone, shall we?
in time of daffodils(who know
the goal of living is to grow)
forgetting why,remember how
in time of lilacs who proclaim
the aim of waking is to dream,
remember so(forgetting seem)
in time of roses(who amaze
our now and here with paradise)
forgetting if,remember yes
in time of all sweet things beyond
whatever mind may comprehend,
remember seek(forgetting find)
and in a mystery to be
(when time from time shall set us free)
forgetting me,remember me
--e.e cummings
the goal of living is to grow)
forgetting why,remember how
in time of lilacs who proclaim
the aim of waking is to dream,
remember so(forgetting seem)
in time of roses(who amaze
our now and here with paradise)
forgetting if,remember yes
in time of all sweet things beyond
whatever mind may comprehend,
remember seek(forgetting find)
and in a mystery to be
(when time from time shall set us free)
forgetting me,remember me
--e.e cummings
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