It Must Go Somewhere

SWEET JESUS, HUSBAND, I LOVE YOU TO THE MOON AND BACK BUT SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU DO NOT STOP SNORING I WILL SEND ONE OF US TO THE MOON SO WE CAN BOTH SLEEP AT ONCE. He's been sick this week so it's worse than usual, but this is not an uncommon thing and it drives me crazy-- so loud it wakes me up, or too loud to go to sleep with in the first place. No consistent rhythm so I'm not able to lull myself to or back to sleep with it.

Let's see if the Internet has anything helpful to say. It makes me an unperfect librarian, but... Go go Google!

The Kid is Alright

Things are moving along. They tend to do that.

First semester of graduate school is moving along. Group work is frustrating or fantastic, depending on who I'm working with. Mostly okay, thankfully. I miss the friends I made in storytelling class last summer but I'm making a few new ones. I'm working in the preservation department of a large (the largest?) library on campus, assessing the damage of books. They range from "everything is together and the pages are in good condition, but the cover is completely detached" to "it's really better to just say 'fuck it,'" but the latter is not acceptable commentary. I've seen some neat stuff. I'm learning that it's best to just let myself be THAT picky --which I have conditioned myself to resist, or at least fret over-- when filling out the prep slip for each book. Itty bitty marginal spot that doesn't impact the text at all? Note that sucker anyway.

Finally weaned myself away from soul-sucking office job I was loving so much this time last year. I helped train the new accounting assistant a little bit over the last two weeks. The running around has been hell and I've had little to no time outside of late evening to study, which has not made for a stressless school existence. Got sick last week and was miserable and prone to vomiting. I left without going to my Thursday classes (not cool with me at all, and it threw a wrench in the not-so-fantastic group project I'm not sure the group has recovered from) and it's been kind of hazy since then. Fog is clearing.

LittleOldLadyMobile decided to lose it the morning of the wedding, specifically when I was on the way home with my matron of honor after decorating the venue, which was... less than ideal. We picked her up from the shop Tuesday night. All has seemed well since. Thank goodness for credible repair. We benefit from our proximity to Verona, where word of mouth is easy to come by. Josh's office mate even knew about the place we decided to take the car and said it was legit. 

It's getting cold. Well, it's gotten cold. Averaged around 40-something midday this week. Colder in the mornings and at night. Fall is definitely here as well, because if something is attached to a deciduous tree all signs would seem to point to it not staying attached for very much longer.

Even though I will be paid-in-peanuts poor when Christmas rolls around, I'm pretty excited about the holidays this year. We're very likely staying home for Thanksgiving, and trying to make a longer stay in Florida for Christmas. Will depend on funds in the very near future and what's happening with our niece (! wedding = family expansion zomg!!! I am not Almost Aunt Alex but Actual Aunt Alex, please excuse me while I go flip my wig!) at Christmas.

Rosemary plants got make-me-happy levels of larger while they were in the garden over the summer. I dug them up last weekend and have had them on our porch since then, letting them get a little bit of rain before they have to come in for the winter. 

Have I mentioned my husband is refuckingdiculously handsome?

Desertion and Just Deserts

Life has really been good lately, it's just that I turn to my blog when I need to reason through unhappy things.

When I put the kibosh on an until-then close friendship I thought was unhealthy and harmful, I just... stopped. It was such an investment of time and at that point heartache that I couldn't think of how to deal with it, I just knew that I needed to stop it. People I loved-- everyone I loved except the other half of the friendship-- had been telling me for years that it wasn't a good relationship to be in, and looking back a couple years later I don't know if that feedback poisoned things or if my experience feeling like I could be a valued friend as new relationships were founded made me not want to be with a person who I felt didn't value me. I distinctly remember thinking the latter over and over and over. That was absolutely how I felt. With time between then and now, I don't know that it was objectively true.

It's done at this point. I have these little flutters of conversation with my old best friend, my former best friend, now, via Facebook. And I still love those little shimmery bits; they're fun. I wish I'd proceeded differently before so none of this was tinged with regret, so we could just laugh at what's funny because fucked up parts of the relationship aside, girl and I were a riot a minute.

I can think of what I would do differently now: I would say something. We will never be so close again, even if I were able to get out a perfect articulation. I am still not very good at saying something, but I understand at this point that what I did (by not doing anything) was damaging in a way I didn't desire or intend. So I hope that I would say something. Sometimes I dream about what to say.

Sad that I find myself wanting to say something to another close friend-- not a replacement, because the friendship I was talking about before wasn't really replaceable in any sense, good or bad-- and find myself just as frozen; not sure of what to say. I don't know if the problem is me or her. I can't tell if my standards are messed up, if her behavior really is as objectively irritating and inconsiderate as I think it is. But I know that I know this feeling of recoil and frustration because it is exactly what I felt before.

I share my heart with my husband now, and a fantastic part of that is the marrow-deep peace I get knowing that I can tell him what scares me most, what I hate most, things about me that are not nice;  all of these and he will keep loving me not because he is an idiot but because his love for me is that big, and isn't shaken by flaws. I think I am worthy of that but know it isn't the stuff every relationship is made of.

I don't want to be a person whose love is shaken by flaws. I'm judgmental and much slower to love than I was. I don't want to cling to this troubled friendship for the sake of having a friend, but I do not want to desert again. I'm so turned off by behavior patterns of the last few months that I'm unconvinced continuing the friendship is a good idea and I feel alienated to the point of not wanting to have a "Hey, I've noticed..." discussion, but I feel like it would be wrong to sever ties the way I'm inclined.

It boils down in part to not feeling like I can be honest, like I don't want to enumerate all the flaws I'm perceiving. And in the end, that's my feeling. I resent being treated badly (or feeling like I'm being treated badly), but my feelings are more under my control than what other people do.

Wavering, wavering. Trying to be cautious. Why does speaking up scare me so much?

Car is Dead, But I Feel Very Alive

Here, have a stream a consciousness!:

Little Old Lady Mobile is dead. Not like ding dong forever dead, but she isn't starting. So I bought jumper cables. And THEN I looked online and saw it was a bad idea to try to jump start another vehicle with a Prius. Fuck a duck, ya goddamned shmuck. Boo.

Josh is headed out of town on a work trip tomorrow and will be taking a taxi to the airport, so it's okay for me to drive around in the Prius. I think while he is gone I will end up getting one of those standalone car jumping units. They're not too pricey at Wal*Mart and I can return the cables. Except I'm not sure I should return the cables. 

Did I mention fuck a duck? Gyaaaaaah. LOLMobile is major financial drain lately which is the last thing I need.

Work sucks the big one lately. I am very, very over it. Not over it enough to walk out in a huff, but over it enough to dream about doing it. PTO nonsense is driving me crazy and I think I got an actual answer from HR today... using the wrong calculations (NO, BITCHES, I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOT TAKEN 50 HOURS OF PTO despite needing a vacation more than anyone in the office. Everyone else HAS taken a vacation. I won't even have time off for my wedding thanks to this bullshit audit. If I'd taken vacation while the office was high and dry I would have been entitled to 40+ hours and no one would have been the wiser. So don't accuse me of owing the company money when everyone knows I work off the clock. >:/ >:/ >:/ rage rage rage rant raaaaaar). Am in the process of composing a response.

But in the meantime... Graduate school orientation is tomorrow! Naturally there is a carbuncle on my jaw the size of a sizeable Dakota but c'est la vie. C'est la carbuncle. This is only an issue because I have massive vanity/appearance/ego issues. And also because they will be taking pictures for our student files. But at least I have a student file.

Hung out with girls from the library tonight. It was wonderful. Made me feel like living again after a terrible day at the office. My poor husband is stressed beyond belief and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do to help. That is not so wonderful.

Heart of the Matter

So I'm bummed because today's engagement pictures didn't get off to the perfect start I planned. But more than that, I'm feeling totally crushed, kind of adrift, and really sad that I worked hard to be beautiful today and didn't feel it. My thought has always been that I'd be a stunner, very lovely if I set myself to putting in all the cosmetic and hair work. I did that today and... not what I was hoping for. This isn't to say I never have days where it's like "Hot damn, lookin' good!" but Josh is a really good looking guy and a vain, stupid part of me is scared that we will both see these pictures as proof that beauty is not something I can claim.

I'm not sure where this I-am-not-physically attractive thing comes from. I know I'm pretty desperate to be considered feminine because I usually had short hair as a kid and got told "Alex is a boy's name" a lot. I had pretty dreadful skin as a teenager and that's definitely the root of a lot of self-consciousness as an adult. I like some of my features. What is the cause of this dissatisfaction? It seems so common and pathetic to be focused on looks, but these curled hair nights and using eyeliner regularly made me hope I'd be beauty itself.

And that's just not the case, much to my sadness. I just can't tell if this is sad but everyone-has-those-thoughts melodrama or if this is a sign that I need to face facts.

Right now I need to get to sleep. Will worry about looks when I wake up.

Master of My Mental Narrative, Keep Me Free from Melancholy.

We applied for our marriage license today. Which was a solemn experience, and for me, shameful. When you apply for a marriage license you have to present court paperwork dissolving any previous marriages and much to my chagrin, I don't have a blemishless record there. 

That metaphor works really well because I think of that marriage as a blemish. It was a dreadful mistake on my part, and the reasons I got into it are shameful. If I'd been a stronger person, better able to say no at any of the several steps I knew were leading to something I didn't want, I wouldn't have this pit on the surface of my life. I generally like who I am.

I'm really 100% in favor of a society where people can get divorced. I don't think staying together when you don't want to and you've tried is a good idea. My experience was not that I fell deeply in love with someone and wanted to be married and we found out it didn't work, my experience was that I got drunk several years before it was legal for me to do so and slept with a guy at a party. He had a crazy family I saw was using him and I thought I could help him. Our relationship was several years of me learning that was absolutely impossible. In hindsight I can't even give myself decent credit for being well-meaning. It was just so, so, SO stupid. I should never have entered a relationship with that man, let alone married him.

But I did.

So today, when Josh and I completed our marriage license application, when the clerk asked Josh if this would be his first marriage, Josh said "yes." And when she asked me the same, I quietly said "no." Josh knows I was married before and he knows more than anyone else about the divorce, so I wasn't worried about shocking him. But while I've been distraught at the relationship and divorce before, it's mostly been in the vein of what a dumb dumb dumb fuck up. Why did you do any of this to any of the other people involved? and today it was in the you are spoiled goods vein, and I just wanted to cry.

People get divorced. I assume they get married with the best intentions and discover that things don't work-- very sad, sometimes very bitter, but not fucked up in the head. I think the damaged goods feeling is coming from my having been married before without it meaning anything that it should have. I didn't love the guy I married. He was an okay person with a family who treated him like shit and I involved myself with him because I thought he needed an ally. I shouldn't have done that because I was nowhere near a forceful enough personality to combat that brand of crazy, even at my most furious at their bullshit. And a part of me is sick over the fact that when we were separating he asked if I wanted an annulment and since I didn't trust him to ever offer me anything useful, I said no. Without even knowing what a fucking annulment was.

On the other hand, even if we'd gotten an annulment, I'd still have spent several years with this guy, being screwed up in the head, and I'd still be dealing with that aftermath. It did happen. I've been sorry for what happened for a long time. But today was shame, a cold lump in my belly and a stinging in my eyes and something in my throat that made me speak low and quiet. I wish I could erase that blemish from my record, but I never can. This conflicts with my knowing that getting the fuck away from that mess at long last was one of the smartest things I've ever done. It was a long time coming and it's a smartest-thing-because-before-I-did-a-dumbest-thing, but it was the right thing to do.

Josh has never given the slightest indication that he thinks I am damaged goods, and he's seen me at my weakest, worst, and least attractive. Many times all at once because when I get going, well... Oh dear. When I murmured to him my upset after we left the municipal building he stopped walking, hugged me close, and told me I was not damaged goods.

One of my favorite parts about this relationship is that I know it's going to be okay. I don't know if I'd have this certainty without having had so much unpleasantness before. So there was a weird minute to applying for our marriage license-- that means I was in the process of applying for a marriage license with someone I want to marry. It's not perfect closure, but I guess I don't mind the gap; all the angsty stuff is becoming history and falling farther away from my now. It was a thing that happened and it will surface from time to time.

I think rather than rehashing this stuff, I'm just going to resolve not to write about it anymore. It's a lot of the same old stuff. Life has changed and so have I. Moving on. 

Getting married in a few days.

Oh Boy, Okay, Simmer Down

June?! WTF, JUNE?!

Life's trucking right along. Work is driving me crazy after the office sustained several scary roller-coasters of long-timers leaving, new people not working out-ing, responsibilities shifting to yours truly temporarily-ing. Good to get money, that's what I keep telling myself. Get that money and have a fantastic wedding with all that mad cheddah, girl.

It's been awhile. Mom visited! And she brought my best friend with her! It was an awesome weekend. Unfortunately my mother has a shitty daughter and I got completely confused about plans for length of stay and sort of fucked up what she was expecting, but it was great while it lasted. Didn't hurt that I got paid (get money!) that weekend, so I was free to shop while we were in Milwaukee and shop we did, Internet denizens, shop we did. The Third Ward (it's so cool I can say it now, instead of subbing "world" for "ward") is where it's at, and it is cool shopping. I want to go back.

I think my favorite part was doing goofy face masks with my mom. The whole weekend was wonderful, but that was my favorite part. It was calm and comfy and kinda silly, and we got to be in front of a mirror for the better part of it. Vanity, thy name is Alex, Slathered in Catastrophe Cosmetic. Shout out to LUSH for this expensive but heartwarming moment of mother-daughter bonding.

Josh is doing really well at work. I'm so proud of him. A lot of his friends have had a tough time at the company and for a while, so was he. But he's really put his smart smart nose to the grindstone and would appear (I like hearing about what he does but generally the implications go right over my head) to be doing great. 

I'm trudging along at work. Should be getting to switch back to part time next month, and that I am excited about something that will make me less money than I am currently making should clue you in to how difficult it is for me to drag my tired ass into the shower every morning for another go at the rat race. 

Growing a pineapple. Got new phones (Galaxy Nexus, love mine). Wedding's still on. Volunteering at the library going really well. Got an AB for my spring class-- waited waited waaaaaaited for my final project grade which was perfect, didn't get an A because I didn't do all the discussion posts, fuck me. Lesson learned. LUSH (it's more manifest than destiny if the space being considered is my bathroom) Henna-d my hair, very happy with the shiny brown results. It turned out a little darker than it is naturally and I think it makes it look fancy. Digging it.

Work is wearing me out, so no fun food adventures. We did get a frozen yogurt place at long last! Next to several eateries so it makes for a nice little date night. Thank you, Madison Orange Leaf franchise. Josh got me a new laptop (it was an extra-nice week in the sexual favors department) as a congrats, you got in to graduate school! gift, and it has a webcam so I've gotten to Skype with my mom and Hannah a few times. It's so good to see them when we talk, does my heart good. If you guys are reading this, sorry that very earnest sentiment ended up in a paragraph in which I divulge I (partially) expressed gratitude for my nice laptop via sexual escapades. Twice now. This doesn't make my joy to see you any less real, I promise.

Gonna go curl up on the couch with the man who means the world to me and watch the latest subbed episode of Fate/Zero.

Keep on keepin' on, home slices.

I feel like a nauseous pretzel doing zero-gravity training after finding out his puppy has died.

Grad school, give me something, anything. Preferably an acceptance.

This is dragging me waaaaaaaay down. People got acceptances yesterday-- don't know where that puts me, would like to know something. Jesus. I have a terrible feeling I won't hear anything today, it will weigh over me all weekend, and then it'll be days before I do hear something.

Inadequacy is one of the very worst feelings.

Edit, 8PM: This blog is fucking magical. Got my acceptance notification this afternoon.

DEAR BLOG I WOULD LOVE A MILLION DOLLARS.

Pictures of Cats

Now I can call this sucker a blog.

We have two cats, which came to me by way of the aunts I lived with in Orlando. They are generally good cats, affectionate with us and appreciative of attention and food. Always up for a snuggle. If we had to divvy them up as such, Marcie would be Josh's and Josephinée would be mine.

Marcie is a gray tabby shorthair, Josephinée is a fluffy... cat.

Marcie loves, loves, loves Josh. I get jealous sometimes, but it's really cute. She wants to sit on him whenever he's at the computer and if he won't let her do that, she'll curl up under the desk. I tell people she's built like an opera singer: big middle, with a tiny head and tiny feet. Marcie will headbutt before she'll yowl, and she has a low meow. She's a very affectionate cat but she seems to really love Josh and he's been charmed ever since she first got on her back feet and pawed at his leg.

She'll do it whenever you pat your leg. She's a bit of a whore for bellyrubs and head skritches.

Josephinée is very catlike when it comes to people, though. She's sky of new people and not half so friendly as Marcie (when new people come over she hides on top of the kitchen cabinets). But she does love me, and that makes me really happy.

Like I said, snuggly. When we're not doing something together it's usually Josh at the desk and me on the couch, and the cats know this and position themselves accordingly. I wish I could fall asleep with my neck at weird angles as easily as my cat does. Josephinée gets in this I GOTTA BE ON SOMEBODY mood a few times a week and she'll jump on me, walk on me, settle, and get up after a few seconds to go do the same to Josh. She's a pretty cat, usually very elegant, and she's got the neatest little trill to her voice.

But she drools when she is happy. It's the damndest thing. I thought she'd gotten water on her face the first few times she dripped on my shirt, but no: my cat is so happy she salivates sometimes.

Even though she's not my favorite cat, Marcie is pretty damn cute. It helps that she's usually in close proximity to Josh.















They seem to get along well enough together. They usually snuggle in the same place without snuggling together, exactly. Both with be on the loveseat, or on opposite ends of the couch. They do go crazy on one another a few times a month, but we have enough biff mice and cat toys that they each have plenty of things to play with. Marcie, surprisingly given her size, is a really good laser dot-getter. She'll also chase one of our iPhones if we slide it across the carpet.

Marcie starts it, when they do fight. Just saying.

Drums keep pounding rhythm to the brain

January was a hard month at work. Lots of year end stuff right up against the end-- I went in for a few hours on Sunday of the last two weekends. The weekends are so much easier to work in-- no interruptions! I think I'm catching back up but there's still so much to do and I'm a little nervous about some things... Hopefully I can keep productive and things will smooth out.

Finally did a discussion post tonight (the discussions are open until tomorrow night). Just kept putting it off each night, I think in part because work's got me so beat and in part because I felt so one-sided in my response: "this dude is a whiny old fart who needs to get with the program!" or, you know, a more scholarly approximation of that sentiment.

I can't stop listening to "Stupid Hoe." Luckily for the love of my life, it's playing into headphones. He's Final Fantasy XIII-2-ing. It's really, really pretty. Ooh, I just heard a chocobo sound! And my heart is full and glad. You a stupid ho, you-a-you-a stupid ho. And now I've moved on to DJ Khaled, who drives me crazy with that "We the best!" shit but pretty consistently puts out songs I like. The things we put up with.

Don't mean to be so random. Having this time at the end of the day to do as I please is very nice, and I've been giving in to guilty pleasures to make the most of it for the past few weeks. Looking forward to St. Valentine's day and especially to the cruise, which canNOT get here fast enough. Vacation, Calgon, something, anything-- take me away!

Thankfully, I'll never want for things to want.

It's very cool that I can do things in the order that I want-- get engaged get into grad school get married finish grad school get job make babies, or get married work work work get into grad school make babies, or some other combination of these opportunities. The point is, there's nothing I have to do. I get to be with Josh and that's my favorite part. And since we've got that lined up, well... Future details can be dealt with as we get there, I guess.

But (there's always a but, and I'm sure it only gets butt-ier with babies) while this freedom to do things in whatever order I'd like is nifty, I find myself wishing sometimes that there were a guide to follow, some sort of benchmark yardstick (zounds, nouns!) against which to check progress in the things we're planning and working towards.

I guess there is, really. The plan now is to get into graduate school, get married this fall, get house (! -- this is a Josh idea that mostly thrills but slightly terrifies me, since my expectation of graduate school is that it will be wonderful and impoverishing all at the same time and a mortgage seems so adult and responsible and even though our lives are adult and responsible I'm not sure I'd italicize them yet, you know?), finish school, get library job, work library job for a while, get down to the babymaking. Eventually I would like to meet our kids. The "eventually" of that is something I waffle on. I want Josh all to myself forever! I want a kiddo! I want more than one kiddo! I want to be able to sleep in on weekends! I want to clutch at whatever semblance of skinny I possess at the time! Sheesh.

But back at the first point, I like that there's really only whatever plans we make that we have to stick to, and we can change those plans if we want. I think what we've got going on makes sense and is a good sort of schedule for life. At the same time, there's no rule we have to live by or deadlines we have to me. Really it comes down to there not being a deadline I have to meet.

I'm always late, is all.
____________________________

Volunteered at a library last night and it went swimmingly. Was nervous, people were nice, quickly felt like things were falling into place in a pleasant just-so way. After as much polite badgering as I could muster I got a voicemail from the library where I tried so hard to volunteer basically saying "Thanks, we'll call you when something comes up." One phone call to second library, BOOM! Volunteer opportunity. And I'm glad.

Graduate school application is in. I've been blogging so infrequently I don't remember if I mentioned that. Have good feedback from summer instructor and classmates that I've got in made in the shade to get in this time but because, well, I was hoping for that last time, I am less than convinced. At the same time, I see what they're saying. Certainly I am a better qualified applicant this go-round. Application committee, if you are reading this: let me in, let me in! Please!

Cruise later this month (!). I am so looking forward to a week away with my sweetheart.

That's all the news that's fit to print. That's all the news that's fit to print that I can remember or feel like divulging, at any rate. Make stuff up for the blanks, I'd be flattered if you thought of me.