So I'm bummed because today's engagement pictures didn't get off to the perfect start I planned. But more than that, I'm feeling totally crushed, kind of adrift, and really sad that I worked hard to be beautiful today and didn't feel it. My thought has always been that I'd be a stunner, very lovely if I set myself to putting in all the cosmetic and hair work. I did that today and... not what I was hoping for. This isn't to say I never have days where it's like "Hot damn, lookin' good!" but Josh is a really good looking guy and a vain, stupid part of me is scared that we will both see these pictures as proof that beauty is not something I can claim.
I'm not sure where this I-am-not-physically attractive thing comes from. I know I'm pretty desperate to be considered feminine because I usually had short hair as a kid and got told "Alex is a boy's name" a lot. I had pretty dreadful skin as a teenager and that's definitely the root of a lot of self-consciousness as an adult. I like some of my features. What is the cause of this dissatisfaction? It seems so common and pathetic to be focused on looks, but these curled hair nights and using eyeliner regularly made me hope I'd be beauty itself.
And that's just not the case, much to my sadness. I just can't tell if this is sad but everyone-has-those-thoughts melodrama or if this is a sign that I need to face facts.
Right now I need to get to sleep. Will worry about looks when I wake up.
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