Leaping Lizards

They live with me here in Orlando.

No kidding. They jump all over the place. Up onto the hardscape wall, off one of the outside lights onto the driveway... Crazy. But fun. It always seems like they're going to bodyslam their little selves too hard, but they don't even seem to have to shake it off.

School's trucking along to the end. Pretty sure I can swing an A in Caribbean Cultures, I'm thinking a high one (why are there A- marks but no A+? Not fair!). That's a nice relief. The Indians of the Southwest professor who I admire so much knows my name! Cue scholastic joy. I'm thinking it'll be a B or an A for that one. Hoping for an A. We'll have to see how this final project turns out, though.

Oh, final project. My plan for today was to go through my textbooks and several library databases and then maybe to the library itself to find some resources, figure out what position I want to take with the research question, and start writing the paper.

I stayed home all day and ate a lot of cheese. I watched The Animatrix. I planned out the next two semesters and generally did things I've been meaning to do... Except get around to starting this paper. So I'm going to sleep early tonight and going to get up early tomorrow (so halp me gayd) and going to the library and knocking it out. I feel energized about it, and I'm not sure why it's so difficult to make progress, or at the very least stop getting distracted by other shiny things. It's common for that to happen, and to be honest I can't remember ever trying to work on a project or paper before the deadline loomed like a scary gonna-fail-and-never-graduate monster set to give me an ulcer or make me lose my hair or break out or get fat or yeah, you know? That sort of pressure.

I don't really want to be the person who falls back on "Oh, I just can't work until it's due," because I don't like the way that sounds: lazy. I don't want to be that way, and I'm thinking lately about making sure there's time to make my work really good. So maybe there needs to be a transition from working with steely determination right up until that 11:59 assignment availability window, but I want to break away from that.

Smaller assignments I've managed to turn in early in this six week semester. Hopefully that's a good sign; it's certainly new.

Josh was here for the weekend. There were some flight cancellation/delay issues that we've never had to deal with before on the way to see one another (going away, yes, but since that time sucks anyway it hasn't seemed so out of place). But Josh did not give up and made it here and it was a really nice forty eight hours together. He's still tall and smelling good and gorgeous and a genius, and I'm more in love with him than ever. Unlike the early assignment submission that is not new.

We talked a bit about some serious stuff, because, well, we needed to. I'm not sure when my internal switch flicked from "We'll get married in the future and it'll be great" to "We'll get married in the future and it'll be great and the sooner we do it the better," but the second sentiment's been on high lately. Could be thanks to the wedding last month. It is something we've known was going to happen since we got together, and we've talked about it since then. Every once in a while one of us will throw out a "marry me" to the other when we do something really nice.

And shoot. I want him to be serious about it and asking the question sincerely. No, not shoot. Dammit. :/

When we discussed it before we agreed (stupid, stupid self of two years ago!) that living together and making sure things were a good fit that way was important before getting engaged. Before I got my job the plan was for me to take online classes this summer and spend my time up there. I secretly hoped that would be enough, and that before I left to come back to school he'd have asked seriously and we'd be official.

Pbbbb, job. You know I love you, but I had a feeling you'd cramp my style a bit.

So obviously that summer session of playing house didn't work out, and I won't get to be up there for an extended period until it's time for me to be up there permanently. Which is okay. Less than a year, now! And I still agree that living together before going further is an excellent idea. In theory. But I was really worried that Josh would be content with that forever, or stuck in some sort of unengaged limbo, and truly I was a little terrified that maybe he considered us engaged and I didn't, and more than a little terrified that despite our earnest conversations about it I was the one with the wrong view and my god was he that kind of guy, and was I that kind of girl, being strung along?

I do this to myself a lot. Not the being strung along, the increase in pitch n' panic.

We talked and things are fine. I asked if the plan was still to live together first and he said yes, that's the plan. He just wants to be sure. And even though I want it to be official and I want it official on Facebook and I am so ready to be married with a baby already even though I'm not, I can see why that's important. I keep reminding myself that the point of being married is being together forever, and technically now is part of our forever.

It's not like being able to say we're getting married, but... I'll wait.