My mom and I get along a lot better than we used to (and generally we get along much better when we don't live together), but I'm pretty upset with her right now. When I tried to explain why I was unhappy, she responded in a way that I really, really didn't appreciate. She later wrote more without swearing.
One of the things that I like to attribute to my mom is my ability to stand up to people. But this is only other people, and honestly I'm not that good at it. I've made progress in the last few years, but that progress was all after effing things up pretty terribly by not standing up to people for the few years before. Anyway. I'm an only child and when I argued with my parents as a teenager they were right. Alright, they're my parents. But that taught me over time the futility of arguing anything, and for awhile that really messed me up. I am still scared to disagree with them outloud.
There's also lingering resentment on my part about the way my mom and I seem to remember different the circumstances of my leaving home. Usually we have a great time together and laugh a lot and hey, that stuff's in the past and we're better now. It doesn't bubble up... except the times when we're not better. I love Josh and I love my dad and I love my best friends, and when those people upsets me it hurts, really bad sometimes, but there is no one who cuts quite as deep as my mom, and no one who makes me cry as often as she does. She's not a terrible person and in many ways she's a great mom, the best mom. There are plenty of times when we make each other laugh until our sides hurt. And given the precedent set by her family, I'm glad we're even in touch; she doesn't talk with her mom and the why of that has never been discussed.
I don't feel like our disagreements are fair, and I don't like how she's able to reasonably treat her friends or sister when they point out that she's hurt their feelings, but when dad or I disagree with her it's okay for her to swear and demean and talk to us like we're idiots. If someone is not getting your point (They are smart people, but I've seen my parents talk to one another and completely miss what the other was trying to get across before-- mom invariably gets angry, or at least what I think of as angry), try to explain. I know I go crazy sometimes when Josh doesn't understand what I'm saying, but I try to stick with it and let the wave crash on the rock and get over it after, you know? Mom doesn't stay mad forever but her rages are terrible. I don't think she has any idea what she sounds like when she is angry.
Anyway. It's harder to speak up to my parents than it is anyone else. I don't know if they know that. I'd imagine they don't or don't care in the moment of disagreement, because they can seem pretty angry at me just for disagreeing.
I love my family, and I wouldn't trade them. Thinking of times in my life when I lied about them to make them seem like more interesting people now seems stupid; there are plenty of fascinating things about them and there is a lot to love about my mom and my dad. They've taken care of me. I hope we'll all be happier as our lives go on because our family is small and I believe it's important to all of us.
ETA: Got an "I'm sorry I overreacted to what I feel is an overreaction on your part" message, which is
fair enough.
No comments:
Post a Comment