...From buying my Jimmy Eat World ticket. This is the first time I've gone to a concert by myself and I am a little nervous about that but thrilled. Mostly thrilled. Let's say the nerves are just there for show.
Woo! A week from now I will heading out for the concert!
Friday, January 28, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
The ol' Frustration
My mom and I get along a lot better than we used to (and generally we get along much better when we don't live together), but I'm pretty upset with her right now. When I tried to explain why I was unhappy, she responded in a way that I really, really didn't appreciate. She later wrote more without swearing.
One of the things that I like to attribute to my mom is my ability to stand up to people. But this is only other people, and honestly I'm not that good at it. I've made progress in the last few years, but that progress was all after effing things up pretty terribly by not standing up to people for the few years before. Anyway. I'm an only child and when I argued with my parents as a teenager they were right. Alright, they're my parents. But that taught me over time the futility of arguing anything, and for awhile that really messed me up. I am still scared to disagree with them outloud.
There's also lingering resentment on my part about the way my mom and I seem to remember different the circumstances of my leaving home. Usually we have a great time together and laugh a lot and hey, that stuff's in the past and we're better now. It doesn't bubble up... except the times when we're not better. I love Josh and I love my dad and I love my best friends, and when those people upsets me it hurts, really bad sometimes, but there is no one who cuts quite as deep as my mom, and no one who makes me cry as often as she does. She's not a terrible person and in many ways she's a great mom, the best mom. There are plenty of times when we make each other laugh until our sides hurt. And given the precedent set by her family, I'm glad we're even in touch; she doesn't talk with her mom and the why of that has never been discussed.
I don't feel like our disagreements are fair, and I don't like how she's able to reasonably treat her friends or sister when they point out that she's hurt their feelings, but when dad or I disagree with her it's okay for her to swear and demean and talk to us like we're idiots. If someone is not getting your point (They are smart people, but I've seen my parents talk to one another and completely miss what the other was trying to get across before-- mom invariably gets angry, or at least what I think of as angry), try to explain. I know I go crazy sometimes when Josh doesn't understand what I'm saying, but I try to stick with it and let the wave crash on the rock and get over it after, you know? Mom doesn't stay mad forever but her rages are terrible. I don't think she has any idea what she sounds like when she is angry.
Anyway. It's harder to speak up to my parents than it is anyone else. I don't know if they know that. I'd imagine they don't or don't care in the moment of disagreement, because they can seem pretty angry at me just for disagreeing.
I love my family, and I wouldn't trade them. Thinking of times in my life when I lied about them to make them seem like more interesting people now seems stupid; there are plenty of fascinating things about them and there is a lot to love about my mom and my dad. They've taken care of me. I hope we'll all be happier as our lives go on because our family is small and I believe it's important to all of us.
ETA: Got an "I'm sorry I overreacted to what I feel is an overreaction on your part" message, which is
fair enough.
One of the things that I like to attribute to my mom is my ability to stand up to people. But this is only other people, and honestly I'm not that good at it. I've made progress in the last few years, but that progress was all after effing things up pretty terribly by not standing up to people for the few years before. Anyway. I'm an only child and when I argued with my parents as a teenager they were right. Alright, they're my parents. But that taught me over time the futility of arguing anything, and for awhile that really messed me up. I am still scared to disagree with them outloud.
There's also lingering resentment on my part about the way my mom and I seem to remember different the circumstances of my leaving home. Usually we have a great time together and laugh a lot and hey, that stuff's in the past and we're better now. It doesn't bubble up... except the times when we're not better. I love Josh and I love my dad and I love my best friends, and when those people upsets me it hurts, really bad sometimes, but there is no one who cuts quite as deep as my mom, and no one who makes me cry as often as she does. She's not a terrible person and in many ways she's a great mom, the best mom. There are plenty of times when we make each other laugh until our sides hurt. And given the precedent set by her family, I'm glad we're even in touch; she doesn't talk with her mom and the why of that has never been discussed.
I don't feel like our disagreements are fair, and I don't like how she's able to reasonably treat her friends or sister when they point out that she's hurt their feelings, but when dad or I disagree with her it's okay for her to swear and demean and talk to us like we're idiots. If someone is not getting your point (They are smart people, but I've seen my parents talk to one another and completely miss what the other was trying to get across before-- mom invariably gets angry, or at least what I think of as angry), try to explain. I know I go crazy sometimes when Josh doesn't understand what I'm saying, but I try to stick with it and let the wave crash on the rock and get over it after, you know? Mom doesn't stay mad forever but her rages are terrible. I don't think she has any idea what she sounds like when she is angry.
Anyway. It's harder to speak up to my parents than it is anyone else. I don't know if they know that. I'd imagine they don't or don't care in the moment of disagreement, because they can seem pretty angry at me just for disagreeing.
I love my family, and I wouldn't trade them. Thinking of times in my life when I lied about them to make them seem like more interesting people now seems stupid; there are plenty of fascinating things about them and there is a lot to love about my mom and my dad. They've taken care of me. I hope we'll all be happier as our lives go on because our family is small and I believe it's important to all of us.
ETA: Got an "I'm sorry I overreacted to what I feel is an overreaction on your part" message, which is
fair enough.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
In the midst of things
In the midst of things (and really it's hardly as though the happiness is an island), life seems better than okay lately. School is demanding but not depressingly so, work is demanding but not depressingly so... I guess I'm just feeling buoyant.
(Fuck trees, I climb buoys, mother fucker!)
Got off the phone with Josh a few minutes ago, and it was a fun, long conversation. Love him, love those. My French homework is all done, and tomorrow I will hopefully come home from a shopping expedition with a chair for the desk. It will be so much better to have a surface to spread stuff out when I'm doing work for school. The desk has two shelves on the right side, coming out from that side's legs, and they're convenient for my little stash of writing implements and my notebooks and of course the textbooks themselves.
Financial aid disbursed (quickly!), so I used the money to buy the last outstanding textbook, Reconstructing Human Origins. I think the class it's for is going to be my favorite. Lots of specificity and skeletal emphasis and terms in Latin so I feel hella smart. Truly, what else is college about? I guess some people don't study bones but I feel they're missing out. More or less in that interest I'm going to join the anthropology club at school. I signed up to go to the first field trip, to Ponce Inlet and Turtle Mound. They're not very far from home and I don't think I've been to either before. Should be fun. I've also got all the upcoming lectures I know about on my calendar, and I'd like to go to as many as possible. I wish that I had been brave enough to do these things two years ago.
A lot of my free thought time is devoted to what's going to happen in May. The registrar's office is continuing to withhold the commencement dates for individual colleges, apparently just because it's amusing when students go into a panic. I'm convinced the university not-so-secretly just lives for that. My mom is the chairwoman for Relay for Life in the area where my parents live, and commencement weekend and Relay weekend are one and the same this year. If I could just figure out when my college is graduating (Friday morning, Friday morning!), I can let mom know, and I can figure out when I can be moving.
I'd planned on starting the road trip north the day after commencement, and I think that's how it will end up happening. That won't really leave any time for extended goodbyes or post-graduation parties with my friends and family in Florida, so maybe we can do something in advance. I'm really hoping my ceremony will be Friday morning, and then I can try to have lunch or dinner with friends. Patriet are coming, and my parents (mom said she'd be there even if it was Saturday-- originally she said she wasn't and later my feelings were really hurt, but later she said of course she'd be there), and hopefully Josh's parents. And Josh, of course.
More later.
(Fuck trees, I climb buoys, mother fucker!)
Got off the phone with Josh a few minutes ago, and it was a fun, long conversation. Love him, love those. My French homework is all done, and tomorrow I will hopefully come home from a shopping expedition with a chair for the desk. It will be so much better to have a surface to spread stuff out when I'm doing work for school. The desk has two shelves on the right side, coming out from that side's legs, and they're convenient for my little stash of writing implements and my notebooks and of course the textbooks themselves.
Financial aid disbursed (quickly!), so I used the money to buy the last outstanding textbook, Reconstructing Human Origins. I think the class it's for is going to be my favorite. Lots of specificity and skeletal emphasis and terms in Latin so I feel hella smart. Truly, what else is college about? I guess some people don't study bones but I feel they're missing out. More or less in that interest I'm going to join the anthropology club at school. I signed up to go to the first field trip, to Ponce Inlet and Turtle Mound. They're not very far from home and I don't think I've been to either before. Should be fun. I've also got all the upcoming lectures I know about on my calendar, and I'd like to go to as many as possible. I wish that I had been brave enough to do these things two years ago.
A lot of my free thought time is devoted to what's going to happen in May. The registrar's office is continuing to withhold the commencement dates for individual colleges, apparently just because it's amusing when students go into a panic. I'm convinced the university not-so-secretly just lives for that. My mom is the chairwoman for Relay for Life in the area where my parents live, and commencement weekend and Relay weekend are one and the same this year. If I could just figure out when my college is graduating (Friday morning, Friday morning!), I can let mom know, and I can figure out when I can be moving.
I'd planned on starting the road trip north the day after commencement, and I think that's how it will end up happening. That won't really leave any time for extended goodbyes or post-graduation parties with my friends and family in Florida, so maybe we can do something in advance. I'm really hoping my ceremony will be Friday morning, and then I can try to have lunch or dinner with friends. Patriet are coming, and my parents (mom said she'd be there even if it was Saturday-- originally she said she wasn't and later my feelings were really hurt, but later she said of course she'd be there), and hopefully Josh's parents. And Josh, of course.
More later.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Two weeks (nearly) down
Schools bopping along well enough. Now that a big convention is over at work I've got more time to sleep, and that's a big big biiiiiig plus. I think the semester is going to go well, though it will, as originally expected, involve a lot more work. Tonight when I get home I'm going to finish my assignments calendar, which should help me stay on track.
Had to order a microphone for French class so I can record exercises throughout the semester. I wasn't thrilled, but I found a decent-seeming one on Amazon and I'm hoping it will be waiting for me at the door when I get home.
Booked a cruise! My best friend and I are going the first weekend of spring break. I think it's fair to say we're both working/being worked pretty hard lately, so this will be a nice getaway. And it should be a lot of fun to do with her; we're a good girly team. There's a day at Nassau and we might elect to do some overpriced snorkeling. I'd like to browse the Straw Market even as I'm terrified to browse the Straw Market. It would be nice to get some souvenirs from the island instead of the boat, this time.
So I'm counting down to the cruise (43 days!) and to seeing Josh again (21!). I've felt particularly lovey lately, sweet and amorous both. I like thinking of the latter countdown in terms of 10 day blocks. Really, there's just two more to get through! This sort of thinking, where I bait myself, is very sad but often helpful. Getting excited about May and all the transitions that will happen then. Sometime after I've moved to Wisconsin I'll be joining my parents in Arizona for a trip. Jazzed about that. There are a lot of things I want to see in that particular state.
I've managed to get all my assignments (except the ones that require a microphone) done, but the past week has been a blur. I'm so glad that convention is over. It was really cool and I'm a bit sad I won't be here for the next one, but man did it wear me out. Paycheck will be worth it. Paycheck will be worth it. And there's only one week left until I get said beautiful paycheck! Praise Pringles.
Now that it's over, though, I feel a bit as though a subway train has rushed me by and I've been left reeling on a platform, not quite sure which way to go or even what exactly has just happened. But still swaying.
Life is good, though. Aside from missing the boyfriend and sharing a bathroom.
Had to order a microphone for French class so I can record exercises throughout the semester. I wasn't thrilled, but I found a decent-seeming one on Amazon and I'm hoping it will be waiting for me at the door when I get home.
Booked a cruise! My best friend and I are going the first weekend of spring break. I think it's fair to say we're both working/being worked pretty hard lately, so this will be a nice getaway. And it should be a lot of fun to do with her; we're a good girly team. There's a day at Nassau and we might elect to do some overpriced snorkeling. I'd like to browse the Straw Market even as I'm terrified to browse the Straw Market. It would be nice to get some souvenirs from the island instead of the boat, this time.
So I'm counting down to the cruise (43 days!) and to seeing Josh again (21!). I've felt particularly lovey lately, sweet and amorous both. I like thinking of the latter countdown in terms of 10 day blocks. Really, there's just two more to get through! This sort of thinking, where I bait myself, is very sad but often helpful. Getting excited about May and all the transitions that will happen then. Sometime after I've moved to Wisconsin I'll be joining my parents in Arizona for a trip. Jazzed about that. There are a lot of things I want to see in that particular state.
I've managed to get all my assignments (except the ones that require a microphone) done, but the past week has been a blur. I'm so glad that convention is over. It was really cool and I'm a bit sad I won't be here for the next one, but man did it wear me out. Paycheck will be worth it. Paycheck will be worth it. And there's only one week left until I get said beautiful paycheck! Praise Pringles.
Now that it's over, though, I feel a bit as though a subway train has rushed me by and I've been left reeling on a platform, not quite sure which way to go or even what exactly has just happened. But still swaying.
Life is good, though. Aside from missing the boyfriend and sharing a bathroom.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Ce semestre...
Hoo boy. Hoo boy howdy? Iunno. I just like "hoo boy."
Anyway.
Holidays were wonderful. Josh flew to Florida Christmas Eve morning and we got to spend that afternoon with his whole family-- it really couldn't have worked out better. His parents (who hosted, so obs they were there), grandparents, and his sister and her family were there, and it was great. His niece got the kid's version of Just Dance, so she, Amanda and I did that for a few songs. It's quite silly but it's also pretty fun if you're not busy being self conscious. Josh's mom sent us home with Goldie's Dream Cake to eat the next morning, since that's a Collins family tradition. Holy cow, I am glad of that. Goldie's Dream Cake is delicious. It's a yummy cake (!) with some sort of fruit preserve laced through it, and it's crumbly at the top. God I wish it was Christmas morning again.
Christmas Day we spent with my family, and that went well, too. Josh seemed a lot more comfortable and I think that helped everyone have a good day. This year's Christmas memory is Alex's Unfortunately Named Entrée. Since I decided I wanted to do the holidays like a good vegetarian, I didn't have turkey or anything else suspect at Thanksgiving. I looked up vegetarian options for a Christmas menu item everyone might like to try, and found...
Nut Loaf.
When I was explaining my idea to Josh's parents in November, they were amused but kind. Josh laughed. So for a while I called it "Solid Stuffing" when I was describing it to others. And then I came up with "Alex's Unfortunately Named Entrée," which sort of defeated the point but was less immediately mortifying. Mom decided it should be called Testicle Loaf, which stuck. Still (and honestly in part because of that), Christmas was wonderful. Testicle Loaf turned out really well!
Josh and I flew to Wisconsin together the Tuesday after Christmas. Got bumped up to first class for the longer flight, which was really nice. When we flew up together last January, when he moved, we had to buy first class tickets since those were the only ones left. So I'm hoping that's the establishment of a fantastic pattern. We shared our tray tables and set up Josh's laptop to watch an episode of Castle together and got to snuggle a bit on both flights. It was a fairly nice trip up, really.
The visit was wonderful: we planned out a menu for the week together and stuck to it pretty faithfully. We/I made pasta! I got embarrassed when Josh pointed out that it didn't make sense to convert ounces to cups (or whatever I was trying to do; I just hate hate hate looking stupid in front of him) and shooed him out of the kitchen. But we made up and he helped me hang the noodles over every available saucepot handle and rim. The noodles turned out really well; this is definitely something I want to do again but I'd like to get a pasta stand first.
I'd really love to learn how to make everything in a simple noodles, sauce, garlic bread meal. Sauce is my next project, I think. Maybe for the weekend before Valentine's Day, which is the next time we'll be together.
Leaving was rough, as usual. And this week since has been pretty tough for all the usual reasons: I don't feel like he misses me anything like I miss him, my period (sorry, internet) is going to start any minute now, things are crazy at work... And additionally, though not a common circumstance: school started Monday. Which brings us to the title of this post.
This is my final semester at UCF, and I'm pretty excited about that. The completion of this term is going to be big turning point that I've been waiting for what feels like a very long time: I'm going to start living with Josh. And also I'm graduating and stuff. I was pleased with myself for getting through Valencia but that felt like a precursor to UCF, and getting through the past two years and getting to be a full-time student-- not in the ideal situation, but being a full-time student was a dream in and of itself-- and doing well in several cases makes me proud of myself. I haven't been trying to top my parents, and I don't think that's exactly possible, but I know that I feel like more of an adult on their level now (or will in May), knowing that we've all got baccalaureate degrees. My parents are great people who have never made me feel like a degree was an irreplaceable measure of worth, but I respect that they have them.
I'm taking my second course of French, this time for real. Also the three anthropology classes I need to complete my degree: Human Origins, History of Anthropological Thought, and Language and Culture. It's worked out that these are all upper division anthropology requirements and that I'm finally taking them during my last semester. This week has been the first time I've been in such PACKED classrooms. Students who were unable to register online because the classes were full showed up the first class meeting trying to get overrides. Very full. I want everyone who wants to graduate to get to do so, but I hope there's more breathing room in the classrooms next week!
The classes are going to involve a lot more focus and time than I've applied to other classes. The assignments seem to be on a schedule in each class, which is very helpful, but there's a lot more work for these assignments than has been required in other classes. So I'm a little nervous. I'm also determined to do well, but nervous just the same.
Figured out how to conjugate la passé composé et l'imparfait this afternoon during some good library time, so that's making me feel much better. I'm not sure yet when they are supposed to be used (these are both past tenses, but I'm sure there's a distinction and I don't know what it is), so I'll ask Madame tomorrow. I hope French is going to go well. The first course was wonderful and I want to learn this, I really really want to learn this.
My work schedule is also pretty smooth, if a shock to my sleep system: 7:30-11 each weekday, and class of varying lengths of time after. The getting up early is killing me and I'm exhausted but I think tonight will finally be the night when I fall asleep before midnight and wake up surly and too tired to move.
Got my room cleaned up as a new semester/new year effort. It looks nice and it makes me feel much better about the place. My parents are giving me the student desk that was in the kitchen (sort of a satellite office), so I'll bring that home next week and set it up here, where it is much needed. My options currently are stand (nowhere of good height to put a laptop), lay or sit on bed (I am dangerously prone to naps, especially lately), or sit in the comfy chair. The latter is great for pleasure reading but terrible for studying; there's nowhere to put my notebook if I'm looking at my textbook, blah blah blah. So yaaaay, desk get!
I have friends at school! I am shy enough that this thrills me. I like these people and I hope we'll get to spend time together outside of class.
Anyway.
Holidays were wonderful. Josh flew to Florida Christmas Eve morning and we got to spend that afternoon with his whole family-- it really couldn't have worked out better. His parents (who hosted, so obs they were there), grandparents, and his sister and her family were there, and it was great. His niece got the kid's version of Just Dance, so she, Amanda and I did that for a few songs. It's quite silly but it's also pretty fun if you're not busy being self conscious. Josh's mom sent us home with Goldie's Dream Cake to eat the next morning, since that's a Collins family tradition. Holy cow, I am glad of that. Goldie's Dream Cake is delicious. It's a yummy cake (!) with some sort of fruit preserve laced through it, and it's crumbly at the top. God I wish it was Christmas morning again.
Christmas Day we spent with my family, and that went well, too. Josh seemed a lot more comfortable and I think that helped everyone have a good day. This year's Christmas memory is Alex's Unfortunately Named Entrée. Since I decided I wanted to do the holidays like a good vegetarian, I didn't have turkey or anything else suspect at Thanksgiving. I looked up vegetarian options for a Christmas menu item everyone might like to try, and found...
Nut Loaf.
When I was explaining my idea to Josh's parents in November, they were amused but kind. Josh laughed. So for a while I called it "Solid Stuffing" when I was describing it to others. And then I came up with "Alex's Unfortunately Named Entrée," which sort of defeated the point but was less immediately mortifying. Mom decided it should be called Testicle Loaf, which stuck. Still (and honestly in part because of that), Christmas was wonderful. Testicle Loaf turned out really well!
Josh and I flew to Wisconsin together the Tuesday after Christmas. Got bumped up to first class for the longer flight, which was really nice. When we flew up together last January, when he moved, we had to buy first class tickets since those were the only ones left. So I'm hoping that's the establishment of a fantastic pattern. We shared our tray tables and set up Josh's laptop to watch an episode of Castle together and got to snuggle a bit on both flights. It was a fairly nice trip up, really.
The visit was wonderful: we planned out a menu for the week together and stuck to it pretty faithfully. We/I made pasta! I got embarrassed when Josh pointed out that it didn't make sense to convert ounces to cups (or whatever I was trying to do; I just hate hate hate looking stupid in front of him) and shooed him out of the kitchen. But we made up and he helped me hang the noodles over every available saucepot handle and rim. The noodles turned out really well; this is definitely something I want to do again but I'd like to get a pasta stand first.
I'd really love to learn how to make everything in a simple noodles, sauce, garlic bread meal. Sauce is my next project, I think. Maybe for the weekend before Valentine's Day, which is the next time we'll be together.
Leaving was rough, as usual. And this week since has been pretty tough for all the usual reasons: I don't feel like he misses me anything like I miss him, my period (sorry, internet) is going to start any minute now, things are crazy at work... And additionally, though not a common circumstance: school started Monday. Which brings us to the title of this post.
This is my final semester at UCF, and I'm pretty excited about that. The completion of this term is going to be big turning point that I've been waiting for what feels like a very long time: I'm going to start living with Josh. And also I'm graduating and stuff. I was pleased with myself for getting through Valencia but that felt like a precursor to UCF, and getting through the past two years and getting to be a full-time student-- not in the ideal situation, but being a full-time student was a dream in and of itself-- and doing well in several cases makes me proud of myself. I haven't been trying to top my parents, and I don't think that's exactly possible, but I know that I feel like more of an adult on their level now (or will in May), knowing that we've all got baccalaureate degrees. My parents are great people who have never made me feel like a degree was an irreplaceable measure of worth, but I respect that they have them.
I'm taking my second course of French, this time for real. Also the three anthropology classes I need to complete my degree: Human Origins, History of Anthropological Thought, and Language and Culture. It's worked out that these are all upper division anthropology requirements and that I'm finally taking them during my last semester. This week has been the first time I've been in such PACKED classrooms. Students who were unable to register online because the classes were full showed up the first class meeting trying to get overrides. Very full. I want everyone who wants to graduate to get to do so, but I hope there's more breathing room in the classrooms next week!
The classes are going to involve a lot more focus and time than I've applied to other classes. The assignments seem to be on a schedule in each class, which is very helpful, but there's a lot more work for these assignments than has been required in other classes. So I'm a little nervous. I'm also determined to do well, but nervous just the same.
Figured out how to conjugate la passé composé et l'imparfait this afternoon during some good library time, so that's making me feel much better. I'm not sure yet when they are supposed to be used (these are both past tenses, but I'm sure there's a distinction and I don't know what it is), so I'll ask Madame tomorrow. I hope French is going to go well. The first course was wonderful and I want to learn this, I really really want to learn this.
My work schedule is also pretty smooth, if a shock to my sleep system: 7:30-11 each weekday, and class of varying lengths of time after. The getting up early is killing me and I'm exhausted but I think tonight will finally be the night when I fall asleep before midnight and wake up surly and too tired to move.
Got my room cleaned up as a new semester/new year effort. It looks nice and it makes me feel much better about the place. My parents are giving me the student desk that was in the kitchen (sort of a satellite office), so I'll bring that home next week and set it up here, where it is much needed. My options currently are stand (nowhere of good height to put a laptop), lay or sit on bed (I am dangerously prone to naps, especially lately), or sit in the comfy chair. The latter is great for pleasure reading but terrible for studying; there's nowhere to put my notebook if I'm looking at my textbook, blah blah blah. So yaaaay, desk get!
I have friends at school! I am shy enough that this thrills me. I like these people and I hope we'll get to spend time together outside of class.
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