Car is Dead, But I Feel Very Alive

Here, have a stream a consciousness!:

Little Old Lady Mobile is dead. Not like ding dong forever dead, but she isn't starting. So I bought jumper cables. And THEN I looked online and saw it was a bad idea to try to jump start another vehicle with a Prius. Fuck a duck, ya goddamned shmuck. Boo.

Josh is headed out of town on a work trip tomorrow and will be taking a taxi to the airport, so it's okay for me to drive around in the Prius. I think while he is gone I will end up getting one of those standalone car jumping units. They're not too pricey at Wal*Mart and I can return the cables. Except I'm not sure I should return the cables. 

Did I mention fuck a duck? Gyaaaaaah. LOLMobile is major financial drain lately which is the last thing I need.

Work sucks the big one lately. I am very, very over it. Not over it enough to walk out in a huff, but over it enough to dream about doing it. PTO nonsense is driving me crazy and I think I got an actual answer from HR today... using the wrong calculations (NO, BITCHES, I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOT TAKEN 50 HOURS OF PTO despite needing a vacation more than anyone in the office. Everyone else HAS taken a vacation. I won't even have time off for my wedding thanks to this bullshit audit. If I'd taken vacation while the office was high and dry I would have been entitled to 40+ hours and no one would have been the wiser. So don't accuse me of owing the company money when everyone knows I work off the clock. >:/ >:/ >:/ rage rage rage rant raaaaaar). Am in the process of composing a response.

But in the meantime... Graduate school orientation is tomorrow! Naturally there is a carbuncle on my jaw the size of a sizeable Dakota but c'est la vie. C'est la carbuncle. This is only an issue because I have massive vanity/appearance/ego issues. And also because they will be taking pictures for our student files. But at least I have a student file.

Hung out with girls from the library tonight. It was wonderful. Made me feel like living again after a terrible day at the office. My poor husband is stressed beyond belief and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do to help. That is not so wonderful.

Heart of the Matter

So I'm bummed because today's engagement pictures didn't get off to the perfect start I planned. But more than that, I'm feeling totally crushed, kind of adrift, and really sad that I worked hard to be beautiful today and didn't feel it. My thought has always been that I'd be a stunner, very lovely if I set myself to putting in all the cosmetic and hair work. I did that today and... not what I was hoping for. This isn't to say I never have days where it's like "Hot damn, lookin' good!" but Josh is a really good looking guy and a vain, stupid part of me is scared that we will both see these pictures as proof that beauty is not something I can claim.

I'm not sure where this I-am-not-physically attractive thing comes from. I know I'm pretty desperate to be considered feminine because I usually had short hair as a kid and got told "Alex is a boy's name" a lot. I had pretty dreadful skin as a teenager and that's definitely the root of a lot of self-consciousness as an adult. I like some of my features. What is the cause of this dissatisfaction? It seems so common and pathetic to be focused on looks, but these curled hair nights and using eyeliner regularly made me hope I'd be beauty itself.

And that's just not the case, much to my sadness. I just can't tell if this is sad but everyone-has-those-thoughts melodrama or if this is a sign that I need to face facts.

Right now I need to get to sleep. Will worry about looks when I wake up.