At the moment

My stomach is doing somersaults. I'm not on a boat. I'm worried about my boyfriend flying to PAX.

I'm just within the last few minutes (hopefully) over him participating in the expo... This is perfect for him and I want him to go, I want him to have a great time, I want him to get to geek out. I just don't want him to see any other women who like the things he does, and I know they'll be there. :/

I know that's stupid and insecure, but when it comes to Josh I can be pretty stupid and insecure. I hope it's a side effect of the long distance thing. When I found out how good looking a particular corps of the people at Epic (where he works) are, I had a similar, though less extensive, freak out. I'd resent it if someone were constantly possessive of me, and I don't want to be that sort of person myself. I just, you know, want there to be a sex segregated PAX.

...I don't want that. I talked to Josh a bit and I'm sure I'm okay with it as I can be: I don't think he's going to fall in love or too deeply in lust with some good looking and well chested gamer girl. Hopefully not at all, but I know they'll be there and I know he'll see them. There will be no sleeping with or kissing of these girls. I'm as sure of that as I can be.

Not really sure how I trust Josh and am still so, so scared that something like that could happen. I know the trust is there that he would never seek something like that out-- 100% sure of that. I guess my fear is that someone will aggressively offer herself to him. I'd expect him to refuse, I'd want him to refuse, but I'd be deeply, deeply hurt if he didn't. And really, looking back on how we got started, I sort of aggressively offered myself to Josh. Maybe that's just a part of the worry or the basis of it all.

Regardless, we talked about it a bit and I'm as relaxed about it as I'm gonna get. So right now I'm just worried that he's on a plane going farther away and it's dark. The man's flown to Japan and back three times and my worry level was elevated, let's say yellow, maybe, but not exactly the "good jesus and saltines, pilot, you better get my boyfriend there safe" one-sided routine I'm running at the moment.

Maybe it's a little dangerous to put so much of myself in my love for another person. It doesn't seem like what I expected of myself for most of my life. I have no intention of not doing it, but sometimes when I get scared I'm reminded that it doesn't seem very reserved to, well, not reserve very much. It makes me so happy to make Josh happy, though. I don't think I quite have domestic housefrau bliss, but cooking for us, rubbing his neck, sitting close to him on the couch while we watch movies, those things all make me really happy.

So he'd better make it to and back from Seattle in one live, happy piece, United.