I feel like a nauseous pretzel doing zero-gravity training after finding out his puppy has died.

Grad school, give me something, anything. Preferably an acceptance.

This is dragging me waaaaaaaay down. People got acceptances yesterday-- don't know where that puts me, would like to know something. Jesus. I have a terrible feeling I won't hear anything today, it will weigh over me all weekend, and then it'll be days before I do hear something.

Inadequacy is one of the very worst feelings.

Edit, 8PM: This blog is fucking magical. Got my acceptance notification this afternoon.

DEAR BLOG I WOULD LOVE A MILLION DOLLARS.

Pictures of Cats

Now I can call this sucker a blog.

We have two cats, which came to me by way of the aunts I lived with in Orlando. They are generally good cats, affectionate with us and appreciative of attention and food. Always up for a snuggle. If we had to divvy them up as such, Marcie would be Josh's and Josephinée would be mine.

Marcie is a gray tabby shorthair, Josephinée is a fluffy... cat.

Marcie loves, loves, loves Josh. I get jealous sometimes, but it's really cute. She wants to sit on him whenever he's at the computer and if he won't let her do that, she'll curl up under the desk. I tell people she's built like an opera singer: big middle, with a tiny head and tiny feet. Marcie will headbutt before she'll yowl, and she has a low meow. She's a very affectionate cat but she seems to really love Josh and he's been charmed ever since she first got on her back feet and pawed at his leg.

She'll do it whenever you pat your leg. She's a bit of a whore for bellyrubs and head skritches.

Josephinée is very catlike when it comes to people, though. She's sky of new people and not half so friendly as Marcie (when new people come over she hides on top of the kitchen cabinets). But she does love me, and that makes me really happy.

Like I said, snuggly. When we're not doing something together it's usually Josh at the desk and me on the couch, and the cats know this and position themselves accordingly. I wish I could fall asleep with my neck at weird angles as easily as my cat does. Josephinée gets in this I GOTTA BE ON SOMEBODY mood a few times a week and she'll jump on me, walk on me, settle, and get up after a few seconds to go do the same to Josh. She's a pretty cat, usually very elegant, and she's got the neatest little trill to her voice.

But she drools when she is happy. It's the damndest thing. I thought she'd gotten water on her face the first few times she dripped on my shirt, but no: my cat is so happy she salivates sometimes.

Even though she's not my favorite cat, Marcie is pretty damn cute. It helps that she's usually in close proximity to Josh.















They seem to get along well enough together. They usually snuggle in the same place without snuggling together, exactly. Both with be on the loveseat, or on opposite ends of the couch. They do go crazy on one another a few times a month, but we have enough biff mice and cat toys that they each have plenty of things to play with. Marcie, surprisingly given her size, is a really good laser dot-getter. She'll also chase one of our iPhones if we slide it across the carpet.

Marcie starts it, when they do fight. Just saying.

Drums keep pounding rhythm to the brain

January was a hard month at work. Lots of year end stuff right up against the end-- I went in for a few hours on Sunday of the last two weekends. The weekends are so much easier to work in-- no interruptions! I think I'm catching back up but there's still so much to do and I'm a little nervous about some things... Hopefully I can keep productive and things will smooth out.

Finally did a discussion post tonight (the discussions are open until tomorrow night). Just kept putting it off each night, I think in part because work's got me so beat and in part because I felt so one-sided in my response: "this dude is a whiny old fart who needs to get with the program!" or, you know, a more scholarly approximation of that sentiment.

I can't stop listening to "Stupid Hoe." Luckily for the love of my life, it's playing into headphones. He's Final Fantasy XIII-2-ing. It's really, really pretty. Ooh, I just heard a chocobo sound! And my heart is full and glad. You a stupid ho, you-a-you-a stupid ho. And now I've moved on to DJ Khaled, who drives me crazy with that "We the best!" shit but pretty consistently puts out songs I like. The things we put up with.

Don't mean to be so random. Having this time at the end of the day to do as I please is very nice, and I've been giving in to guilty pleasures to make the most of it for the past few weeks. Looking forward to St. Valentine's day and especially to the cruise, which canNOT get here fast enough. Vacation, Calgon, something, anything-- take me away!

Thankfully, I'll never want for things to want.

It's very cool that I can do things in the order that I want-- get engaged get into grad school get married finish grad school get job make babies, or get married work work work get into grad school make babies, or some other combination of these opportunities. The point is, there's nothing I have to do. I get to be with Josh and that's my favorite part. And since we've got that lined up, well... Future details can be dealt with as we get there, I guess.

But (there's always a but, and I'm sure it only gets butt-ier with babies) while this freedom to do things in whatever order I'd like is nifty, I find myself wishing sometimes that there were a guide to follow, some sort of benchmark yardstick (zounds, nouns!) against which to check progress in the things we're planning and working towards.

I guess there is, really. The plan now is to get into graduate school, get married this fall, get house (! -- this is a Josh idea that mostly thrills but slightly terrifies me, since my expectation of graduate school is that it will be wonderful and impoverishing all at the same time and a mortgage seems so adult and responsible and even though our lives are adult and responsible I'm not sure I'd italicize them yet, you know?), finish school, get library job, work library job for a while, get down to the babymaking. Eventually I would like to meet our kids. The "eventually" of that is something I waffle on. I want Josh all to myself forever! I want a kiddo! I want more than one kiddo! I want to be able to sleep in on weekends! I want to clutch at whatever semblance of skinny I possess at the time! Sheesh.

But back at the first point, I like that there's really only whatever plans we make that we have to stick to, and we can change those plans if we want. I think what we've got going on makes sense and is a good sort of schedule for life. At the same time, there's no rule we have to live by or deadlines we have to me. Really it comes down to there not being a deadline I have to meet.

I'm always late, is all.
____________________________

Volunteered at a library last night and it went swimmingly. Was nervous, people were nice, quickly felt like things were falling into place in a pleasant just-so way. After as much polite badgering as I could muster I got a voicemail from the library where I tried so hard to volunteer basically saying "Thanks, we'll call you when something comes up." One phone call to second library, BOOM! Volunteer opportunity. And I'm glad.

Graduate school application is in. I've been blogging so infrequently I don't remember if I mentioned that. Have good feedback from summer instructor and classmates that I've got in made in the shade to get in this time but because, well, I was hoping for that last time, I am less than convinced. At the same time, I see what they're saying. Certainly I am a better qualified applicant this go-round. Application committee, if you are reading this: let me in, let me in! Please!

Cruise later this month (!). I am so looking forward to a week away with my sweetheart.

That's all the news that's fit to print. That's all the news that's fit to print that I can remember or feel like divulging, at any rate. Make stuff up for the blanks, I'd be flattered if you thought of me.

Wait just a damn minute!

Time's really gotten away from me. I can't believe December is already so far advanced, but a lot's been going on, so it sort of makes sense that I'm this far forward from the last time I got to be reflective.

Been a vegetarian for a whole year now. Keep waiting for the skinnification to happen, but I get bored waiting, and bored and brownies start with the same letter if you know what I'm saying. I'm just not a good waiter.

Got to go to Florida twice in November. Saw best friend both times, which was much needed. Of course we're flying south for Christmas, so I get more Hannahtime this month, too! Thank goodness the holidays have all conveniently arranged themselves right as I was about to go all twitch from bff withdrawal. Bffdrawal? I like it.

Because we'll be in Florida for Christmas, we decided early on not to invest in a tree. But I've been pining for a wreath. A girl's gotta have something that smells like Christmas that doesn't melt or spray out of a can. But the paycheck I was going to splurge on a wreath with was pledged to other things early, and I wasn't able to do it. Tonight after we (he) successfully parallel parked a half dozen times, Josh got us a wreath. It's beautiful, it smells like a Christmas forest, and the cats are going bonkers trying to get up the wall to eat it. Life is good.

Part of the reason that last paycheck was promised out already is that I wanted to split the cost of our trip to and from Florida. We rented a car and of course there's the gas cost that goes along with that. So now I've reimbursed Josh for half the trip's gas, and that feels good. Not as good as having money to spend, but there's satisfaction to be derived from this. Is what I told myself.

Hours got upped at work (they like me! they really like me!), so hopefully that unexpected windfall will be helpful for wedding expenses and other stuff.

Graduate school application is in. Second time's the charm? Please, please please.

Blog (noun) as a tool for fixing all that is warbly with the world

So I post about wanting to get married and Josh proposes. I post about being all kinds of wigged out about graduate school in part because I can't get anyone at the library to talk to me about volunteering and I think my professor loves another Alex more than she loves me and the guy from the library emails me the next day and the next weekend I see my professor and she still loves me. Jury is out on whether she loves me best, but even I know she's allowed to love other people.

I also know that reads a little creepy. I mean it as a joke.

Anyway. Life is aligning and I realized as I was updating everyone at my story class get together on Sunday that I was describing life as "sweet" lately and it's true. So now I just need to get going on my graduate school application. Oyyyyyyyyyy.

Thoughts (second, third...) and Waffles (waffling, rather)

I'm not sure about library school. I want to be a librarian, I want to work in a library, I want to help people find the things they need. I don't want to give up. But i feel like I'm getting all these siigns that it isn't the best thing, maybe, despite all the hope I had (and have).

I volunteered at an event at the library in Middleton before we moved, and it was great. I knew we would be moving soon, so I didn't set up volunteering to do shelving and stuff like that. I now wish I had, because I've been trying for nearly a month to start volunteering at the library that's close to us and I'm getting no response after the initial "Thank you, I will forward your information to the person who handles that sort of thing." I hate being whiny about this and I looked up the guy's email address on the city website and emailed him directly... No response. He could be out of town. But if I don't hear from him soon, I'm not sure what to do. The most specific instruction I got from the school was that volunteering in a library would help my application. I'm not sure if going to the library and asking for him or explaining the situation and asking for someone else is appropriate, but tic toc, tic toc.

There's also a really pitiful pride issue: there's another Alex, who is gorgeous and comfortable in her own skin and super competent and even while I'm crazy jealous of her I like her, too. But the professor who taught us over the summer seems to like her better. It could very well be that they've just got more to talk about (that Alex is already in SLIS, she's been writing for a very long time, I dunno, she's perfect...)-- and even if the professor does like her better, it's no reason to not apply. People do like me there. The students in my summer class were great, and even Alex said taking a class as a special and reapplying was almost a surefire way to be admitted. I think my ego was hoping that everyone would be so impressed with me they'd just love me best from the get go. I know that's childish. I don't know how to express that this was my hope and expectation but not really something I'm shocked didn't play out.

I think the volunteer thing has me most discouraged. I've always been nervous about dealing with new people, and the not knowing whether they will respond well or ill to persistence. I fret over that way more than can be good for myself or poor Josh, who has to deal with a me that's so anxious. After last year's application the person in charge of application updates emailed everyone saying (politely) "CALM THE FUCK DOWN, WE WILL EMAIL YOU WHEN WE HAVE MADE DECISIONS" and I was so glad that I'd just waited for word and not prodded them. It helps in this case that there was a deadline by which I knew I'd hear something. But in the wider world, where there are no deadlines, choosing my words is hard.

There's also this job, which is by no means a job I want to hold for the rest of my life, but it's a good job, and the people in the office treat and pay me well. I've felt like rushing the past few years as much as possible in the interest of getting to be up here and be with Josh so we could start our life (in the same place) together, and since we're going to be getting married next year and that's going to take some cash to do justice, regardless of size, I feel like it would be prudent to wait. I could apply and defer admission for a year, the school gives you that option. We're not going to try to have a child until after I'm finished with graduate school (and it would be prudent to work first). I think this shift of thought from must get done on to the next one go go go! to alright, well, in the future is big, and since I'm so emotionally wrapped up in this library school thing I can't tell if the shift is really happening or if it's a way I'm trying to fool myself.

And there's also the whole concept of study. I was free to major in whatever I wanted for my undergraduate degree because there isn't a bachelor's focus requirement to go on and get a master's in library and information studies. So I studied anthropology and really enjoyed it. I know now that if I'd studied education I might have been able to pair my (one day? hopefully?) master's degree with a teaching certificate and work as a school librarian, which is an idea I like. I want to work in a public library and I'd like to work with youth services, but a school library gig sounds really nice. I don't regret my anthropology major. But I want to make sure whatever I graduate study is the right decision. There are museum studies programs at other schools, and I don't want to dismiss them as pipe dreams, since my time studying anthropology might have been better spent focusing on something else. I want to know about and support archaeology and other anthropological pursuits, but I don't dream about being an Egyptologist anymore.

I want this to be a well-considered decision and to be as comfortable about it as I can. At the moment I'm all over the place about it. I'm miserable that library school suddenly doesn't seem a highly desirable thing, and I'm trying to figure out the best way to proceed. I wrote earlier that I don't want to give up, and I don't. Maybe I need to just focus on that and not give up, and commit to pestering the library until I get a response.

But there's that part of me that I'm not sure is scared or smart that says maybe I need to give up.

In general, not sure what to do.