Master of My Mental Narrative, Keep Me Free from Melancholy.

We applied for our marriage license today. Which was a solemn experience, and for me, shameful. When you apply for a marriage license you have to present court paperwork dissolving any previous marriages and much to my chagrin, I don't have a blemishless record there. 

That metaphor works really well because I think of that marriage as a blemish. It was a dreadful mistake on my part, and the reasons I got into it are shameful. If I'd been a stronger person, better able to say no at any of the several steps I knew were leading to something I didn't want, I wouldn't have this pit on the surface of my life. I generally like who I am.

I'm really 100% in favor of a society where people can get divorced. I don't think staying together when you don't want to and you've tried is a good idea. My experience was not that I fell deeply in love with someone and wanted to be married and we found out it didn't work, my experience was that I got drunk several years before it was legal for me to do so and slept with a guy at a party. He had a crazy family I saw was using him and I thought I could help him. Our relationship was several years of me learning that was absolutely impossible. In hindsight I can't even give myself decent credit for being well-meaning. It was just so, so, SO stupid. I should never have entered a relationship with that man, let alone married him.

But I did.

So today, when Josh and I completed our marriage license application, when the clerk asked Josh if this would be his first marriage, Josh said "yes." And when she asked me the same, I quietly said "no." Josh knows I was married before and he knows more than anyone else about the divorce, so I wasn't worried about shocking him. But while I've been distraught at the relationship and divorce before, it's mostly been in the vein of what a dumb dumb dumb fuck up. Why did you do any of this to any of the other people involved? and today it was in the you are spoiled goods vein, and I just wanted to cry.

People get divorced. I assume they get married with the best intentions and discover that things don't work-- very sad, sometimes very bitter, but not fucked up in the head. I think the damaged goods feeling is coming from my having been married before without it meaning anything that it should have. I didn't love the guy I married. He was an okay person with a family who treated him like shit and I involved myself with him because I thought he needed an ally. I shouldn't have done that because I was nowhere near a forceful enough personality to combat that brand of crazy, even at my most furious at their bullshit. And a part of me is sick over the fact that when we were separating he asked if I wanted an annulment and since I didn't trust him to ever offer me anything useful, I said no. Without even knowing what a fucking annulment was.

On the other hand, even if we'd gotten an annulment, I'd still have spent several years with this guy, being screwed up in the head, and I'd still be dealing with that aftermath. It did happen. I've been sorry for what happened for a long time. But today was shame, a cold lump in my belly and a stinging in my eyes and something in my throat that made me speak low and quiet. I wish I could erase that blemish from my record, but I never can. This conflicts with my knowing that getting the fuck away from that mess at long last was one of the smartest things I've ever done. It was a long time coming and it's a smartest-thing-because-before-I-did-a-dumbest-thing, but it was the right thing to do.

Josh has never given the slightest indication that he thinks I am damaged goods, and he's seen me at my weakest, worst, and least attractive. Many times all at once because when I get going, well... Oh dear. When I murmured to him my upset after we left the municipal building he stopped walking, hugged me close, and told me I was not damaged goods.

One of my favorite parts about this relationship is that I know it's going to be okay. I don't know if I'd have this certainty without having had so much unpleasantness before. So there was a weird minute to applying for our marriage license-- that means I was in the process of applying for a marriage license with someone I want to marry. It's not perfect closure, but I guess I don't mind the gap; all the angsty stuff is becoming history and falling farther away from my now. It was a thing that happened and it will surface from time to time.

I think rather than rehashing this stuff, I'm just going to resolve not to write about it anymore. It's a lot of the same old stuff. Life has changed and so have I. Moving on. 

Getting married in a few days.

Oh Boy, Okay, Simmer Down

June?! WTF, JUNE?!

Life's trucking right along. Work is driving me crazy after the office sustained several scary roller-coasters of long-timers leaving, new people not working out-ing, responsibilities shifting to yours truly temporarily-ing. Good to get money, that's what I keep telling myself. Get that money and have a fantastic wedding with all that mad cheddah, girl.

It's been awhile. Mom visited! And she brought my best friend with her! It was an awesome weekend. Unfortunately my mother has a shitty daughter and I got completely confused about plans for length of stay and sort of fucked up what she was expecting, but it was great while it lasted. Didn't hurt that I got paid (get money!) that weekend, so I was free to shop while we were in Milwaukee and shop we did, Internet denizens, shop we did. The Third Ward (it's so cool I can say it now, instead of subbing "world" for "ward") is where it's at, and it is cool shopping. I want to go back.

I think my favorite part was doing goofy face masks with my mom. The whole weekend was wonderful, but that was my favorite part. It was calm and comfy and kinda silly, and we got to be in front of a mirror for the better part of it. Vanity, thy name is Alex, Slathered in Catastrophe Cosmetic. Shout out to LUSH for this expensive but heartwarming moment of mother-daughter bonding.

Josh is doing really well at work. I'm so proud of him. A lot of his friends have had a tough time at the company and for a while, so was he. But he's really put his smart smart nose to the grindstone and would appear (I like hearing about what he does but generally the implications go right over my head) to be doing great. 

I'm trudging along at work. Should be getting to switch back to part time next month, and that I am excited about something that will make me less money than I am currently making should clue you in to how difficult it is for me to drag my tired ass into the shower every morning for another go at the rat race. 

Growing a pineapple. Got new phones (Galaxy Nexus, love mine). Wedding's still on. Volunteering at the library going really well. Got an AB for my spring class-- waited waited waaaaaaited for my final project grade which was perfect, didn't get an A because I didn't do all the discussion posts, fuck me. Lesson learned. LUSH (it's more manifest than destiny if the space being considered is my bathroom) Henna-d my hair, very happy with the shiny brown results. It turned out a little darker than it is naturally and I think it makes it look fancy. Digging it.

Work is wearing me out, so no fun food adventures. We did get a frozen yogurt place at long last! Next to several eateries so it makes for a nice little date night. Thank you, Madison Orange Leaf franchise. Josh got me a new laptop (it was an extra-nice week in the sexual favors department) as a congrats, you got in to graduate school! gift, and it has a webcam so I've gotten to Skype with my mom and Hannah a few times. It's so good to see them when we talk, does my heart good. If you guys are reading this, sorry that very earnest sentiment ended up in a paragraph in which I divulge I (partially) expressed gratitude for my nice laptop via sexual escapades. Twice now. This doesn't make my joy to see you any less real, I promise.

Gonna go curl up on the couch with the man who means the world to me and watch the latest subbed episode of Fate/Zero.

Keep on keepin' on, home slices.

I feel like a nauseous pretzel doing zero-gravity training after finding out his puppy has died.

Grad school, give me something, anything. Preferably an acceptance.

This is dragging me waaaaaaaay down. People got acceptances yesterday-- don't know where that puts me, would like to know something. Jesus. I have a terrible feeling I won't hear anything today, it will weigh over me all weekend, and then it'll be days before I do hear something.

Inadequacy is one of the very worst feelings.

Edit, 8PM: This blog is fucking magical. Got my acceptance notification this afternoon.

DEAR BLOG I WOULD LOVE A MILLION DOLLARS.

Pictures of Cats

Now I can call this sucker a blog.

We have two cats, which came to me by way of the aunts I lived with in Orlando. They are generally good cats, affectionate with us and appreciative of attention and food. Always up for a snuggle. If we had to divvy them up as such, Marcie would be Josh's and Josephinée would be mine.

Marcie is a gray tabby shorthair, Josephinée is a fluffy... cat.

Marcie loves, loves, loves Josh. I get jealous sometimes, but it's really cute. She wants to sit on him whenever he's at the computer and if he won't let her do that, she'll curl up under the desk. I tell people she's built like an opera singer: big middle, with a tiny head and tiny feet. Marcie will headbutt before she'll yowl, and she has a low meow. She's a very affectionate cat but she seems to really love Josh and he's been charmed ever since she first got on her back feet and pawed at his leg.

She'll do it whenever you pat your leg. She's a bit of a whore for bellyrubs and head skritches.

Josephinée is very catlike when it comes to people, though. She's sky of new people and not half so friendly as Marcie (when new people come over she hides on top of the kitchen cabinets). But she does love me, and that makes me really happy.

Like I said, snuggly. When we're not doing something together it's usually Josh at the desk and me on the couch, and the cats know this and position themselves accordingly. I wish I could fall asleep with my neck at weird angles as easily as my cat does. Josephinée gets in this I GOTTA BE ON SOMEBODY mood a few times a week and she'll jump on me, walk on me, settle, and get up after a few seconds to go do the same to Josh. She's a pretty cat, usually very elegant, and she's got the neatest little trill to her voice.

But she drools when she is happy. It's the damndest thing. I thought she'd gotten water on her face the first few times she dripped on my shirt, but no: my cat is so happy she salivates sometimes.

Even though she's not my favorite cat, Marcie is pretty damn cute. It helps that she's usually in close proximity to Josh.















They seem to get along well enough together. They usually snuggle in the same place without snuggling together, exactly. Both with be on the loveseat, or on opposite ends of the couch. They do go crazy on one another a few times a month, but we have enough biff mice and cat toys that they each have plenty of things to play with. Marcie, surprisingly given her size, is a really good laser dot-getter. She'll also chase one of our iPhones if we slide it across the carpet.

Marcie starts it, when they do fight. Just saying.

Drums keep pounding rhythm to the brain

January was a hard month at work. Lots of year end stuff right up against the end-- I went in for a few hours on Sunday of the last two weekends. The weekends are so much easier to work in-- no interruptions! I think I'm catching back up but there's still so much to do and I'm a little nervous about some things... Hopefully I can keep productive and things will smooth out.

Finally did a discussion post tonight (the discussions are open until tomorrow night). Just kept putting it off each night, I think in part because work's got me so beat and in part because I felt so one-sided in my response: "this dude is a whiny old fart who needs to get with the program!" or, you know, a more scholarly approximation of that sentiment.

I can't stop listening to "Stupid Hoe." Luckily for the love of my life, it's playing into headphones. He's Final Fantasy XIII-2-ing. It's really, really pretty. Ooh, I just heard a chocobo sound! And my heart is full and glad. You a stupid ho, you-a-you-a stupid ho. And now I've moved on to DJ Khaled, who drives me crazy with that "We the best!" shit but pretty consistently puts out songs I like. The things we put up with.

Don't mean to be so random. Having this time at the end of the day to do as I please is very nice, and I've been giving in to guilty pleasures to make the most of it for the past few weeks. Looking forward to St. Valentine's day and especially to the cruise, which canNOT get here fast enough. Vacation, Calgon, something, anything-- take me away!

Thankfully, I'll never want for things to want.

It's very cool that I can do things in the order that I want-- get engaged get into grad school get married finish grad school get job make babies, or get married work work work get into grad school make babies, or some other combination of these opportunities. The point is, there's nothing I have to do. I get to be with Josh and that's my favorite part. And since we've got that lined up, well... Future details can be dealt with as we get there, I guess.

But (there's always a but, and I'm sure it only gets butt-ier with babies) while this freedom to do things in whatever order I'd like is nifty, I find myself wishing sometimes that there were a guide to follow, some sort of benchmark yardstick (zounds, nouns!) against which to check progress in the things we're planning and working towards.

I guess there is, really. The plan now is to get into graduate school, get married this fall, get house (! -- this is a Josh idea that mostly thrills but slightly terrifies me, since my expectation of graduate school is that it will be wonderful and impoverishing all at the same time and a mortgage seems so adult and responsible and even though our lives are adult and responsible I'm not sure I'd italicize them yet, you know?), finish school, get library job, work library job for a while, get down to the babymaking. Eventually I would like to meet our kids. The "eventually" of that is something I waffle on. I want Josh all to myself forever! I want a kiddo! I want more than one kiddo! I want to be able to sleep in on weekends! I want to clutch at whatever semblance of skinny I possess at the time! Sheesh.

But back at the first point, I like that there's really only whatever plans we make that we have to stick to, and we can change those plans if we want. I think what we've got going on makes sense and is a good sort of schedule for life. At the same time, there's no rule we have to live by or deadlines we have to me. Really it comes down to there not being a deadline I have to meet.

I'm always late, is all.
____________________________

Volunteered at a library last night and it went swimmingly. Was nervous, people were nice, quickly felt like things were falling into place in a pleasant just-so way. After as much polite badgering as I could muster I got a voicemail from the library where I tried so hard to volunteer basically saying "Thanks, we'll call you when something comes up." One phone call to second library, BOOM! Volunteer opportunity. And I'm glad.

Graduate school application is in. I've been blogging so infrequently I don't remember if I mentioned that. Have good feedback from summer instructor and classmates that I've got in made in the shade to get in this time but because, well, I was hoping for that last time, I am less than convinced. At the same time, I see what they're saying. Certainly I am a better qualified applicant this go-round. Application committee, if you are reading this: let me in, let me in! Please!

Cruise later this month (!). I am so looking forward to a week away with my sweetheart.

That's all the news that's fit to print. That's all the news that's fit to print that I can remember or feel like divulging, at any rate. Make stuff up for the blanks, I'd be flattered if you thought of me.

Wait just a damn minute!

Time's really gotten away from me. I can't believe December is already so far advanced, but a lot's been going on, so it sort of makes sense that I'm this far forward from the last time I got to be reflective.

Been a vegetarian for a whole year now. Keep waiting for the skinnification to happen, but I get bored waiting, and bored and brownies start with the same letter if you know what I'm saying. I'm just not a good waiter.

Got to go to Florida twice in November. Saw best friend both times, which was much needed. Of course we're flying south for Christmas, so I get more Hannahtime this month, too! Thank goodness the holidays have all conveniently arranged themselves right as I was about to go all twitch from bff withdrawal. Bffdrawal? I like it.

Because we'll be in Florida for Christmas, we decided early on not to invest in a tree. But I've been pining for a wreath. A girl's gotta have something that smells like Christmas that doesn't melt or spray out of a can. But the paycheck I was going to splurge on a wreath with was pledged to other things early, and I wasn't able to do it. Tonight after we (he) successfully parallel parked a half dozen times, Josh got us a wreath. It's beautiful, it smells like a Christmas forest, and the cats are going bonkers trying to get up the wall to eat it. Life is good.

Part of the reason that last paycheck was promised out already is that I wanted to split the cost of our trip to and from Florida. We rented a car and of course there's the gas cost that goes along with that. So now I've reimbursed Josh for half the trip's gas, and that feels good. Not as good as having money to spend, but there's satisfaction to be derived from this. Is what I told myself.

Hours got upped at work (they like me! they really like me!), so hopefully that unexpected windfall will be helpful for wedding expenses and other stuff.

Graduate school application is in. Second time's the charm? Please, please please.